Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Alice's Close Encounter (WITH DEATH!!!!)

So, I have two dogs as most of you already know.  Zoe, my main dog and Alice, my emergency back up dog (fyi, I wish I could claim the use of "main dog" and "emergency back up dog" as my own, but I cannot.  That particular privilege belongs to one Mr. Dave Barry.  Curse him for being so damn clever! Still, he is a very, very funny man and if you haven't read any of his works, I strongly encourage you to do so).  Now, Zoe is the "good" dog.  I say "good" because she very rarely does anything wrong but she's a little on the stupid side.  Alice rarely does anything right at all.  Not because she's stupid but because she doesn't care to behave.  She just does whatever the hell she wants to do.  I am entering into the acceptance phase of dog-raising with Alice.  I've taught her how to sit, lie down and do this other cute little trick where I say "Hut, hut!" and she runs between my legs and I give her a treat.  Incidentally, my friend James showed me this trick after he and his wife taught their 2 ton rottweiler how to do it.

Anyways, Alice is very smart.  She also has this way of making me forget how naughty she is by doing various cute things.  Like looking pitiful by shivering (probably fake) with cold.  So, instead of saying "Tough! Look at all the crap you've destroyed! Like the window in my bedroom!" (true story.  She broke the window in my bedroom by trying to jump out of it.  Not to mention what she did to the blinds! Here's a photo, though because of the ridiculous cold weather I had to ghettofy it until I can get it fixed.  You should have seen the blinds before I cut the bottom off) I say, "You're lucky you're cute".  

This is all that remains of Zoe's tennis ball.
She also does stuff like tear up Zoe's toys.  I buy both of them toys.  Alice likes toys she can destroy,  while Zoe is content with tennis balls or anything she can chase down.  So, I but tennis balls for Zoe and destructible toys for Alice.  But is Alice content with tearing up her own toys? Well, hell no.  She has to tear up Zoe's toys as well.  Here is what is left of Zoe's tennis ball.  Also, here is a toy I bought for Alice that is supposed to be indestructible.  Still looks intact, doesn't it? That's because Alice never plays with it.  Why? Because she can't destroy it and this doesn't interest her at all. 

As I've said, I'm entering the acceptance phase of this relationship.  Alice is just a bad dog.  I'm going to buy toys and Alice is going to destroy them.  But what happens next is where I still am in need of some serious anger management therapy.  What you see in my hand here is a copy of a brand new video game.  I want to stress the "brand new" part of this.  Meaning, this game cost $60.  And the best part is, it doesn't even belong to me.  It belongs to a friend of mine who very graciously let me borrow it because I do not have $60 extra dollars just lying around but I really wanted to play Fable III (p.s. it is fantastic).  Alice usually reserves her destruction for things she finds lying on the floor.  Like my underwear or my shoes or Zoe's toys or the dustpan (I no longer have a dustpan).  This she took off the table along with a memory card for my xbox and a small (but beloved) plastic transformer (EJECTOR! A decepticon toaster) and proceeded to eat them.  Not just destroy them but eat them.  As in, I found parts of these things but the other parts of these things I never found because she ate them. 

Why? I don't know because dogs can't talk but that did not stop me from asking her in a very firm (i.e. loud) voice.  "WHY?!" Then I had to retreat to the bathroom which is the only room in the house where I can be alone and the dogs can be safe from me.  I was in the bathroom for a very long time saying over and over again "I can't take this anymore.  I can't.  She's driving me insane.  I should just give her actual money to tear up because that would skip the middle man altogether and we could just get it over with!" And then I came up with the perfect plan.  I flung the bathroom door open and said:

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And she ran because if I'm in the bathroom and I'm talking to her that means I might intend to bathe her.  I storm into the living room and she comes out from under the coffee table, pleased that I'm not in the bathroom anymore and so impending doom by bath isn't going to happen today.  And she looks at me and I look at her and she wags her little tail and then she shivers and I am filled with RAGE and I say, "GET IN THE CAR! WE'RE GOING TO GO BUY YOU A SWEATER!!!!!!! AND PROBABLY SOME NEW TOYS, DAMNIT!!!!!!"

No comments: