Friday, May 20, 2011

Barbie and Ken Taught Me All About Karma

I was telling someone this story when I thought to myself, "Why have I not put this on my blog yet?" because the story is just ridiculous.  So ridiculous that it is difficult to believe that it could be true but just ridiculous enough to be true so, here it is.  It is also a true story.

My freshman year in college...well, haha...when I was a true freshman many many years ago there was a girl in my dorm who decided, somewhere in the recesses of her mind that it was a good idea to bring her Barbies to college.  Some of you might be thinking what I thought way back then and that was "What the hell is wrong with you exactly?" Don't get me wrong.  I had Barbies when I was a little girl.  Granted, I chopped most of their hair off and they all died tragic deaths, usually but that was when I was six.  At eighteen, I had pretty much gotten out of the Barbie doll phase.  I am aware, however that some people like to collect things and that some of those vintage Barbies are worth quite a bit of money.  I get that.  I collect things.  I have boxes of comic books and baseball cards sitting in a closet.  But see, when people see those they usually say "Awesome! Comic books!" It's a little different with Barbies and even if it weren' don't bring your dolls to college with you.  You just don't.  Maybe a stuffed animal or two or hell, even three but an  army of Barbies and

So, this girl...we'll call her Deanna because...well, that was her name.  She was very possessive of these Barbie dolls.  She wouldn't let us play with them or even touch them because they were collectables.  And honestly, we took great joy as 18 year old bullies in moving one of the Barbies slightly to the right or left of where they had been sitting and no lie...she would notice.  I'm not sure who hatched the brilliant plot, but I'm thinking it was me.  I bought a disposable camera from the drug store and her roommate and I set to work on our deviant scheme.

The plan was simple.  Deanna was at the library studying for exams.  Why weren't we studying for exams? What, are you kidding me? Anyways, while she was gone we would take Barbie and Ken, undress them, put them in various compromising positions and take pictures.  Then we would put all their clothes back on and return them to their original places.  Deanna would be none the wiser.  Until she received the photos anonymously in her Berry mailbox.  Brilliant, right? Well, unfortunately our plan was ruined when Deanna came back to her room to get her calculator and caught us, blew a gasket and that ended the fun.


Five years later I'm rummaging through some old stuff and I say, "Hey, an old roll of film.  I wonder what's on it..."  Without hesitating or even considering that it might not be wise, I took off to Wal-mart to have the pictures developed, my roommate in tow.  I notice right away that the pictures are from my freshman dorm because there's so-and-so and I'm enjoying my stroll down memory lane.

You know how you can be having such a wonderful time and then it can turn into such complete horror that you can't recall why you were having a wonderful time just moments before? When I flipped to the next was kinda like that.  For me, anyways.  My roommate, however busts out laughing and says:  "What.  Is that?!" See, in my hand was a photo of Barbie and Ken, mid-coitus on Deanna's desk.  It was a pretty good shot for a disposable camera.  I felt compelled to tell the entire story while standing there in earshot of the photo technician lest he think I'm a complete social deviant and all around weirdo.  I do not undress Barbies for fun or profit.  It was a joke.  A harmless prank!

Ah.  Karma.  It really does work.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Nature is All Around Me

Ok, I know it's been like...a month or more (look, I am done with math so I don't have to use numbers anymore.  Ever.  Let's just say it's been a minute) since I posted last and it's looking all sad and dusty over here.  I'm sorry.  I have school.  I also moved which is not as fun as it sounds.  The dogs were stressed...wait, let me back up a second.  The dog was stressed.  Alice thought it was the most amazing adventure of her entire life but Zoe had a rough time with it.  Anyways, she hated it and I hated it, too because I was moving and going to school and working (sort of) so I've been busy.  I said all that to say, get off my back.  I'm writing one, ok?

With that said, I really don't have anything to write about because there have been some things sucking all the fun out of my life worse than Stephanie Meyer sucked the credibility out of the writing profession.  I mean sure, she's making big bucks but really, the one thing in that book that should have sucked (i.e. the vampires) didn't.  They just sparkled.  Anyways, I'm getting off track.  Or am I? I could write a whole blog on Twilight.  Maybe next time.  Right now, let me tell you all about my new house!

1.  Moving
For those of you who don't know me very well, I like to keep things.  Lots of things.  When it comes time to move, it is difficult for me to decide what I want to take and what I want to leave.  This is frustrating because I can't really enlist anyone to help me move because I don't know what to tell them to pack.  Spending 10 minutes trying to decide if I want to take along a candle holder is counter productive to the whole "packing" thing.  That is why it is called "packing" and not "sitting there and deciding what to pack".  Aside from the whole tons of crap issue, there was also the fact that my house, my old house (well, my one now, too) was a mess.  I couldn't pack dishes because they were dirty.  I seriously contemplated throwing all my dishes away and just starting over from scratch.  New house.  New dishes.  Then I remembered that I'm not a crazy person (yet) and washed my dishes and packed them and now I'm here.

Yes, let's talk about "here".  The new house is out in the woods.  The woods are quiet and at night they are very dark.  And things move around out there.  Things move around out there in the dark.  So, for the first week or so, I was jumping at my own shadow (or I would be if I had had one, which I didn't because it's so damn dark) because of all the nighttime woodland sounds.  My new roommate owns about 6 dozen guns of various shapes, sizes, and (this is a very important distinction) noise level.  He talks to me about them like I know what he's saying.  "Well, this is a 22 and it's very quiet." This, by the way is a lie.  Or we have very different definitions of quiet.  Anyways, he uses words like 22 and 45 and clip and other words that I understand in different contexts but not this one.  The only thing that I initially felt was important was the answer to this question:  "Is it loaded?" because I'm not against people having guns, but I am afraid of them myself because I don't put it past me at all to accidentally look at a gun and end up blowing one of my limbs off.  He, however is very proficient with the guns and I was calling him outside every five seconds because I kept hearing things.  I felt he could handle it because we found a huge spider in the back yard the third day we were here and he (true story) shot it.  He finally had enough and told me that I was going to hear things because there were things out there.  And this, believe it or not brings me to the second point.

2.  Nature
I've heard from several what I once considered reliable sources that nature is great.  Look at the pretty trees and the pretty flowers and the pretty sunrise and the pretty sunset and the pretty grass.  Nature is just so pretty.  And peaceful.  It is also all over me.  Nature is everywhere out here and it is not pretty.  First, there are spiders.  Big spiders.  I hate spiders for obvious reasons.  Look at them.  If you can't look at a spider and tell why people hate them (I'm not the only one, you know) then you're just special but spiders are also poisonous.  Yes, I know not all spiders are poisonous but does it really matter? Are you going to pull out your Guide to Southeastern Spiders and try to figure out if it's poisonous or not while it crawls toward you, ready to devour the very flesh from your bones?! Or at least crawl on you? I didn't think so.  In addition to spiders we also have very large mosquitoes.  You would think with all these damn spiders, there wouldn't be so many mosquitoes.  But no.  The spiders aren't just terrifying freaks of nature, they're also lazy and refuse to do their job.  Let's talk about my favorite now:  snakes.  I'm ok with snakes so long as they are behind glass and they have a colorful little plaque that tells you what they are and where they're from and I've even held a snake once and it wasn't too bad.  Snakes that are out in nature are totally different because you never know what you're getting into.  When you see a snake and then recount the story, people always ask the same question, "What kind of snake was it?" The kind you run the hell away from, of course.  Stupid question.  So, yesterday my roommate's wife comes in and says there's a bicycle tire in the yard.  A bicycle tire.  Not that I am so hard up for entertainment I need to go look at a bicycle tire, but we do live out in the woods so I thought that was a little weird.  Wouldn't you know, it was not a bicycle tire, it was a snake.  A snake the approximate color and width of a mountain bicycle tire, as a matter of fact so I can see how the mix up happened.  I promptly turned around and hauled my ass back into the house.  Yeah.  Nature is fantastic.
3.  Electricity
Don't be an imbecile, of course we have electricity.  We also have indoor plumbing, believe it or not.  However, the wiring in this house seems to have been done by someone with an insane sense of humor.  I say that because I just felt like someone was playing some sort of joke on me whenever I would try to turn the lights on.  On Monday the lights in the bathroom would work but on Tuesday, they wouldn't.  The bathroom lights are also connected to the hall light where the breaker box is so using my phone (we don't have a flashlight) I make my way down the hall, find the tripped breaker and turn it back on and we have lights again.  This happened about three or four times before I screamed at ceiling "What the hell is going on with the lights?!" No one answered me of course but here's what we've figured out so far:  The bathroom lights and the hall lights are connected to each other which is fine but they are also connected to the outlets on just one side of my bedroom on the other side of the house.  Take that into consideration along with the fact that my bedroom is upstairs and the bathroom is downstairs, and it seems a little weird to me.  Of course, I'm no electrician.  Plugging anything into the outlets on that side of the bedroom will result in the breaker tripping and me falling down the stairs in the dark trying to get to the bathroom which is inconvenient when you really gotta go.  We also found that one outlet in the living room is connected to the outlet that my computer is plugged into so you can't plug anything into that outlet or none of the other outlets in the living room will work.  You don't have to turn it on.  You just have to plug it in and the breaker goes on strike and gives you the middle finger when you go to reset it.  Aside from the breakers, the light in the dining room is a lazy good for nothing and only works when it feels like it.  We try not to piss it off so that we can have light in that room but it is a very lazy and temperamental.  And also very angry, apparently.

Ok, I have more but I'm really tired so I'll try to fill you in on the rest later.  That is so unprofessional but I don't care because I'm not getting paid for this.  Unless you guys want to start paying me and then I will gladly think of a few more lines to waste your time (and money) with.