Saturday, January 21, 2012

Womanese - Decrypting the Code

So, I got the idea for this post from a friend of mine who posed the question on Facebook.  Hopefully, SOPA isn't going to shut me down for using the word "Facebook" or for getting the idea from someone else or for getting/having an idea at all.  I guess we shall find out. friend asks on...that very popular social network that keeps changing shit that doesn't need to be changed and adding stupid shit like the TIMELINE to confuse us mortals if anyone out there speaks "womanese".  Several people then offered him advice and he responded to one of the women saying, "I'm pretty sure I can't trust're on the opposing team!" This got me thinking.  He's right, of course.  How can you trust the advice of a woman, really when you're essentially asking for the Enigma to our most secret means of communication? Duh.  You ask me.  A certified, card carrying lesbian (though, I have been informed recently by my...umm...not sure what to call her at this point.  We'll just call her my very very close friend, that my lesbian card has been revoked for not listening to Tegan & Sara).  Not only do I know the language but I have to rely on my fluency daily in order to keep my own head above water.  Now, you may be asking how you can trust me because isn't it true that the more that women are fed up with men, the better it is for me? Well, the answer to that depends on what your girlfriend looks like.  No! I'm kidding.  The answer to that is of course you can trust me because I can only handle one woman at a time.  And if you are smart, you will only take on one at a time as well.

Now, I'm not talking about answering questions like:  "Does this make me look fat?" because honestly, if you don't know how to answer this question I'm going to refer you to my previous post How To Talk to Women 101.  Understanding the language of women involves listening and in an almost trial and error sort of way, making the best educated guess.  There are certain things you must learn to "pick up on" or suffer the consequences.  Here are some things you should watch out for:

1.  What?
This may seem like a relatively harmless interrogative but the weight of this question is considerable.  Rest assured that unless she is 98, she heard you the first time.  The human female does not only hear everything you say, she hears the things you don't say and were never thinking to begin with.  In fact, it will astound you the things that we can come up with just from a sentence as simple as "Have you seen my black hoodie?" We are not without mercy, however.  That is why it is imperative that you understand the implications behind this simple question.  All this is really is a mulligan.  A do-over.  She is giving you the rare opportunity to rethink what you have just said and consider (carefully) if you would like to change your answer.  For example:

Woman:  So, Janice just called.  She and her boyfriend just broke up.  He was staring at some girl's ass at the mall.  Can you believe that?
Man:  How can she be so unrealistic about stuff like that?
Woman:  What?
Man:  He's a total asshole....

2.  The UNsuggestion
Sometimes your girlfriend/wife will say something that to any rational person sounds like a suggestion.  Women don't make suggestions.  We make demands.  Most of us don't want to sound like bitches, though so we disguise these demands in the form of "suggestions".  For example, we may say something like:  "If you have time, the grass reeeeally needs to be cut."  The inappropriate response to this would be "Sure thing, dear".  Many of you men have probably heard the best response to what women say is "Yes, dear", but this is a myth because women aren't stupid.  We know that you are only subconsciously reciting something that has been ingrained in you since you were toddlers.  We don't like yes or no answers.  A better answer would be:  "I will cut the grass at 3:32 tomorrow afternoon".  The best answer, of course is:  "I'll do it right now" because that's when she wants it done.

3.  The Observation
Contrary to popular belief, women don't just say things to hear themselves speak.  We make keen observations that, to the untrained ear and mind sound like idle prattle but they are very cleverly disguised traps.  The obvious ones would involve other women:  "Look how short her skirt is! You can almost see her butt cheek!"  Now, what you think is the correct response ("Pff, she's not even attractive") is a big no no.  You honestly think a woman's skirt is what she's talking about? Hahaha, you noob.  What you really want to say is, "What girl? I didn't even notice."  Other "observations" include, "Wow, the trash is getting full!", "-sigh- This microwave is so old.", and "This football game is really long isn't it? I mean, it's a good game but's so long!"  The correct responses to these respectively are:  "I was just about to take it out.  Let me do that now.", "Yeah, I think we should buy a new one", and "Let's watch something else".  

4.  Body Language/Facial Expressions
Body language is a very important part of womanese because women say a lot when they don't say anything.  For example my very very special friend says more when she's quiet than when she's not.  This makes me nervous because I feel like for some inexplicable reason, I'm in trouble.  This is difficult when you're on the phone but when in person, you have to learn to read the signs:

Raised eyebrows:  In normal languages raised eyebrows may denote surprise.  In womanese it means, "You really just said that?"  If you ever needed a Twix it is when the eyebrows go up.  If you're good at thinking on your feet, however you should be fine.

Pursed Lips:  Things are digressing because at this point the eyebrows are down.  Waaay down.  And the lips are doing the talking.  You know what I mean, smartass.  An acute lifting of the chin may also occur in this stage.  You can still talk your way out of it, though.   Now would be a good time to change the subject.  Even if you feel like you're "winning", which is laughable because trust me, you're never winning.

Averted Eyes:  At this point, Stevie Wonder can tell this girl is pissed off and you should be able to, too.  Now, many men believe this hogwash about "talking" it out.  No.  At this point you should let it go.  Unless of course she doesn't want to let it go and if this is the case then you should roll over onto your back in a submissive position and tuck your tail between your legs.  Also, don't say "Yes, dear" because what this means to a woman is that you don't really believe she's right, you're just saying it so she'll shut up.  While this might be true it will only make things worse.  You should convince her that you know you're wrong (even if you're not, you are.  Trust me) some other way than using the "Yes, dear" escape route.

Crossed Arms:  You should step back because shit's about to go down.

To wrap up, here are few miscellaneous things you should know:
-As I mentioned before, you are never right.  Even when you are, you're not.  The first step to understanding womanese is to accept this harsh fact of life.
-Never act like you know more than she does on any subject.  There are rare occasions when a woman might say to you, "I don't know anything about this.  Can you explain it?" and then you should, in a very non-threatening way explain to her that you have no idea about it either and maybe you could Google it together and it will be a great learning experience.  You could be a rocket scientist but don't ever ever act like you know more about rockets than she does.
-Yes never means yes.  It may mean yes initially but a woman reserves the right to change her mind without prior notice.  "Yes, we can have sex tonight" never means "Yes, we can have sex tonight", so don't get your hopes up.  What it means is:  "Yes, we might have sex tonight but probably not until some night next week.  Check back later."

Here's some quick womanese vocabulary words for you to memorize:
"Yes" - no, maybe, possibly, probably, probably not
"Sex" - sleep
"Pretty girl" - slut
"Your mother" - busy body
"My daddy" - God
"Potato" - sex (that's for some beautiful girl out there.  I hope it makes her laugh).

1 comment:

KiraRin said...

Potato in the cooter?

I hope you're doing well Naj, not spoken in ages!