Sunday, October 23, 2011

Clifford The Big Red TERROR!!!!

I think back to all the things that traumatized me as a child like Jaws.  I probably shouldn't have watched it when I was five because I don't swim in the ocean to this day because there are things in the ocean that will eat you until you die.  Sharks are scary and I don't care how many cute movies they make about sharks that don't eat meat, they're still scary.  Strangely enough, I also watched Cujo at a very young age but I have never been terrified of dogs.  Probably because Cujo, while mean and frothy was not as big as a house which is why I have been wondering who thought up Clifford the Big Red Dog.  There's no way they thought this concept through.  Sure, he's cute and the little girl loves him, but look at him.  He's huge.  Realistically, the national guard would have blown that damn thing up within moments of him running off with a dinosaur bone from the Smithsonian (assuming they have dinosaur bones there.  I'm pretty sure they do, right?).  There are other things to consider, as well.  Like pooper scoopers for a dog that size.  There's also chew toys, vet visits, leash laws etc.  I'm just drawing on my experience with dogs here and Clifford is bound to be a lot of work.  That aside, I've never really considered Clifford to be a threat.  Until earlier this week.

Some of you already know that I work at a day care.  Usually I say preschool because that sounds better to me than daycare and insinuates that I do other things besides change diapers and wipe noses but that just about covers it.  I have a class of 8 (count 'em) two year olds.  I love them.  No, seriously.  Two is my favorite age because they say really funny things but they can't yet talk enough to drive you insane.  My class in particular is infamous for being quite fearless in that they like to climb on things that tend to fall over easily, smack each other in the face with toys and open the door and run down the hall into the great unknown.  They do not fear "time out" and they certainly don't fear my wrath because my "wrath" melts away when they say things like "I love you" when I'm trying to put them in time out.  Imagine my overall delight when I found the true weakness of the toddler.  Namely, Clifford.

Earlier this week we had a book fair at school and the book fair mascot, it was decided was going to be Clifford the Big Red Dog.  What this involved was a special visit to the school by Clifford himself, slightly scaled down to human size (thank God) but a dog as big as an adult that walks around on two legs is still a little much and needless to say, disconcerting to the children.  Having spent one Easter as the Easter Bunny at the mall, I had a pretty good idea how my kids were going to react to Clifford.  Although it turned out that I grossly underestimated Clifford's ability to terrify small children, I was still against having Clifford pay my kids a visit.  You know dogs, though.  Can't tell them anything.

As soon as Clifford set his big red foot on the playground, mass hysteria ensued.  There were toddlers huddled together in the plastic treehouse, crying.  Some were running around in blind panic.  One was sitting in the toy car just crying but obviously too afraid to move.  One girl just stood there alone screaming.  Two of my girls (the smart ones) immediately ran to me and clawed, cat-like into my arms (I have wounds) as Clifford stood there waving and making a show, seemingly oblivious to the chaos he was creating.  It was like watching Godzilla in stage format where all the actors were small children.  The best part was the person who was actually in the Clifford suit was a woman who works at the school.  Incidentally, her twin children are in my class.  Her son was one of the ones crying and running around trying to find a safe place.  So, in response to that she began to chase him.  Chase him.  Around the playground.  In the Clifford suit.  I already had two kids in my arms so I watched helplessly as the poor boy ran for his little life.  I was also sort of laughing as I watched.  What? It was kind of funny. 

Once Clifford realized that the children were going to go into shock if this continued, he (she, whatever) left and we began the long process of putting our lives back together.  As with any traumatic event, this was a long process and it was a good 15 minutes before the children in my arms would let me put them down.  When that was accomplished, I began the arduous task of pulling the children (unwillingly) from the plastic treehouse saying, "Clifford's gone.  He's gone.  He's not coming back."  Those poor children.  They believed me, too.  Hell, I believed it myself.  I thought, surely she won't come back after seeing the mess this caused.  HA! Ten minutes after I got everyone calm and collected and we had regained a sense of normalcy, she comes back out onto the playground! Well, to be fair, she just stuck her head out the door but it was a gigantic Clifford head and I said, "What are you doing?!" and she left.  The kids were on the verge of having another nuclear meltdown until I said, "It's ok, it's ok! I chased him off.  He's gone."  Suddenly, I was the hero of the day! I chased away the giant red dog with my holy, God-given powers of dog shooing. 

Later on as I was reflecting on the cluster fuck that all of this was, I realized that I now had power and there is nothing quite as relieving as having power over 8 two year olds.  Not only did I have super awesome Clifford shooing abilities, I also had the power to summon Clifford at will.  Not really, but they didn't know that.  So, that afternoon, while trying to get my kids to pick up the mountain of toys scattered around the room, I said, "Do you want me to go get Clifford?" The results were phenomenal.  I don't think I could have cleaned up the toys quicker than they did.  Anything to keep the big, red menace at bay! Only one boy did not heed my warning.  He opened the door and took off down the hall.  I yelled after him but he didn't listen because two year olds have this special substance in their ears that shields their brains from hearing the voices of adults.  All children have this and it stays with them until they graduate high school.  Sometimes longer, depending on the child.  Anyways, I threatened with Clifford, but felt hopeless that I couldn't actually produce Clifford.  Until the kid runs around the corner and bumps right into him.  It was providence, really.  He ran faster than I have ever seen anyone, child or adult, run.  All the way back to me at which time I said, "See? You better listen or I'll call Clifford."

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A Weekend With Nerds...and other goings on...

So, I've been lamenting that I have nothing to write about on my blog here and I'm sure the five of you who loyally click into this blog several times each have been happy to have not had your time wasted in a while, but guess what! I've thought of some asinine stories to relate! I'm sure you are all just thrilled beyond words.

Well, a couple of weekends ago I had the good fortune to spend my time with the biggest nerds known to humanity, a.k.a my friends.  I am also a big nerd when it comes to video games, anime, star wars, and naked chicks, but I digress.  The point is, I am in no way mocking the nerd lifestyle.  I myself rank around 8 or 9 on the Nerdness Scale.  The weekend I refer to, of course is AWA, Anime Weekend Atlanta.  I even dressed up in a costume.  There are several reasons why I enjoy attending AWA (I attend it every year now) and I will tell those reasons to you in no particular order of importance...except for the first one.  This is an important reason.

1.  Scantily Clothed Women
The first time I went to an anime convention I was completely opposed to dressing up in a costume, known to us nerds as "cosplay".  I just thought that this was one level of nerdness that was too far and I was not willing to commit to that level.  Until I got there and discovered that I was in the vast minority of people who were not dressed up and I felt left out.  I was sad.  So, now I dress up.  I assure you that I am not one of the many scantily clad women you can find at an anime convention.  People need to know their limits.  I'm not going to squeeze myself into anything revealing because, let's be honest...I like food and it shows.  There are some women at AWA who also obviously like food and are either not aware of how it effects their bodies or they've forgotten that they have eaten what amounts to an entire cow within the last 24 hours.  Whatever the reason, there are some things that cannot be unseen.  However, there are people...we'll call them "women" (because that's what they are) that pick some of my favorite characters to dress up as and they wear very, very little and it totally works for them.  And then we take pictures of them.  Anime conventions are basically places where you can ogle girls and take a million pictures of them and get this...they want you to.  In fact, it's depressing if you get all dolled up and no one asks to take your picture.  But wait...there's more...

This is the second year that the staff of AWA has awarded us loyal attendees with the BURLESQUE SHOW.  You all know what a burlesque show is, but just in case you don't:

Burlesque:  n.
1. A literary or dramatic work that ridicules a subject either by presenting a solemn subject in an undignified style or an inconsequential subject in a dignified style.
2. A ludicrous or mocking imitation; a travesty: The antics of the defense attorneys turned the trial into a burlesque of justice.
3. A variety show characterized by broad ribald comedy, dancing, and striptease.
The bold text in the third entry is all we really care about and while it is a striptease, essentially the women don't actually show anything because, well...they save that for the hentai room (which I'll get to later on).  Last year the burlesque show was the talk of the convention but this year, I missed it.  The show started at 10.  We're sitting at dinner and I look at my phone and say, "Shit, guys! It's 10:03!" And we rush out the door (paying first, of course) and haul ass back to the convention because, as nerds we will not ever miss a chance to see half naked (or naked, for that matter) girls.  My friend and I arrive in time to hear the announcer say, "And now for our final act..." and we were sad that we missed the show but happy at least that we made it for at least one.  Before I go further let me just know how you go out to eat and you order say...tea but instead you get coke? It's not that you don't like coke but it wasn't what you were expecting and certainly wasn't what you wanted so you're kind of down about it.  Well, I don't have a problem with drag queens, I really don't.  But I need to know that that is what I'm going in to before I go into it.  The last act was indeed a male in a dress and at the point where he started to remove the dress was when my friend and I decided that it was too bad that we missed the show and we should just move along to something else.
2.  Hentai
Unfortunately, I cannot say too much about this year's hentai event because what happens at AWA stays at AWA.  For those of you who do not know what hentai is, here's another definition for you:

Hentai (変態 or へんたい):   A Japanese word that, in the West, is used when referring to sexually explicit or pornographic comics and animation, particularly those of Japanese origin such as anime, manga and computer games (see Japanese pornography).

Yes, every year at midnight on the second night of AWA, there is a hentai screening that lasts about 2 to 3 hours and we go every year.  Don't judge.  What, you may ask is the attraction to watching what is essentially cartoons having explicit sex? Well, quite honestly it's funny and ridiculous (most porn is, but there is a huge difference in non-animated porn plots:  "Did someone order a pizza?" and hentai plots:  "I'm a sex robot and I escaped from the lab to find my missing part because whenever I orgasm I emit this strong EMP and it destroys everything in a 2 mile radius".  True story.  This is actually the plot of a hentai I've seen.  Also, I use the word "plot" very loosely for both hentai and non-animated porn).  The problem with going to these screenings as opposed to watching hentai in the comfort of your own home is that you never know what you're walking in to.  Sometimes you luck out and you get a light-hearted comedy hentai that is sometimes meant to be funny and sometimes not but just is and it's something you can laugh about over the next year until it's time to go back and watch more.  Other times there are things that will make you want to stab your eyeballs out with spoons because again, what has been seen cannot be unseen.  I know you are sitting there right now trying to imagine what would make me say that but trust me, you can't possibly even begin to imagine the sort of plots that go into some of these hentais and if you might have a future in the porn business, who knows.  The second one was more light and funny (thankfully) but still disturbing because when you pick a board game for family game night, it should not be called "Sexual Pursuit 2".  Note the "2" which means that this is actually a sequel meaning there is more than one meaning that the makers of this felt there was a good chance of making a profit about a sex game that is allegedly fun for the whole family that you have to keep playing until you finish.  It made Jumanji look like the best board game since Candy Land.  Can't wait to see what we'll be watching next year.

Believe it or not, those are the only two reasons I go to AWA.  No, I'm kidding.  Mostly.  We spend a good deal of time wandering around the convention, making nasty remarks about bad costumes and raving over good ones and taking pictures.  The highlight of my weekend, really was meeting Brina Palencia and getting my picture taken with her and getting her to sign some DVDs.  She is very cool in that I talked to her for about 10.3 seconds and within that 10.3 seconds it seemed like we could be very best friends.  No stalking intended.  AWA is also a money pit so in an effort to spend as little money as possible, I spent most of the weekend in my hotel room with my xbox playing Lego Batman and cussing at Alfred because he wouldn't get out of the damn way.  Bruce Wayne should really consider getting someone younger and faster to wander around the bat layer with a tray of...water? I don't know.  The tray could be empty for all I know which really emphasizes the point that Alfred is just milking the clock now and not even doing anything productive.  Walking around the bat cave with an empty tray is a huge waste of time.

I know the title says "other goings on" but I feel like this is getting a little long.  I could just change the title I suppose and you guys would never even know it but it's too late now since I've already typed this part.  Since I'm getting a little long-winded, I'll give you a quick overview and then maybe find something to expand on later:

School:  School is a little different this semester because I graduated from junior college (Yay! A degree that means next to nothing!) and now go to school about an hour away.  All the classes for my major were full except for one so I'm taking a potluck array of classes which is frustrating but that's ok.  Latin is one of those classes.  Don't ask.  I'm also taking an argumentative writing class in which the semester long topic  Don't ask about that, either.

Work:  I still work in retail and people are still stupid.  But I want to relate this particular story and also point out that I never get the good customers like this lady.  This is, sadly a story that was told to me but it did happen in the store that I work in so I feel connected somehow.  A lady came in and asked my friend about the DVD The Walking Dead (for those of you living under a rock, The Walking Dead is a show that airs on AMC about zoooooombies.  Ergo, it is awesome).  My friend showed her the DVD and asked the woman if she had ever seen it.  The woman said no, she had not.  My friend said, "Oh, it's really good.  It's based in Atlanta."  And the woman said (I am not making this up):  "So it really happened?" This is where my friend and I differ because she was nice enough to tell the woman that no, it did not really happen whereas I would have taken the opportunity to run with that like it was the olympic freakin' torch.  Did it really happen? Are you asking me if there were really zombies in Atlanta? Zombies.  Yes, ma'am.  It was horrible.  

Home:  I still live out in the woods.  I had a crazypsychobitch roommate (I only call her that because that was what everyone else called her and it also happens to be true) but she moved out, relieving me of only some of my things and my other two nice roommates found a cheaper place so I'm left with one roomie and I'm hoping if I feed him well and give him clean water he will stick around and pay the rent and the utilities.

And that's it.  I have to say that I loved doing the tags for this post.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Where's the Beef? Here's the Skinny

So, I'm sitting in class today actively paying attention (if you can believe it!) and we are talking about food.  This may seem unproductive but the class is argumentative writing which may sound awesome but actually, it's not that great.  Here's why.  The professor chooses the topic and the topic is the same for the entire semester.  The topic for this semester is food and culture.  Admittedly, some of the discussions are okay, but mainly it's just boring.  But I'm off the topic.  Today we were talking about obesity and my professor called to our attention a billboard that you can see in downtown Atlanta and that luckily I was able to find a picture of.  Here it is.

Now, ignoring the question of where they got the kids to pose for this picture (did their parents know it was a childhood obesity ad? Some poor mom was probably telling her friends her little Hercules was going to be on a billboard in downtown Atlanta! Maybe she thought it was for Mac & Cheese, who knows.  Then it turns out to be this), talk about negative self-image.  First of all, how would you like to go to school knowing you're the poster child (children, really) for childhood obesity? Because childhood isn't traumatic enough, let's throw in a sign letting the whole city know that hey, you're a fat kid.  Horrible, really.  So horrible that it made me laugh.  I'm kidding.  They're paid actors, of course but still.  They're still getting paid for being fat kids.  And these kids look miserable, don't they? Well, it's not because they're fat.  It's because they're on a billboard for it.  We want you to grow up to look like Jaslene Gonzalez, children.

Speaking of Jaslene Gonzalez, I don't see any billboards about horrifyingly skinny kids or adults for that matter.  The fact that I can't see any of those kids' bones poking out through their skin makes me feel pretty good.  Unfortunately, the Georgia Children's Health Alliance doesn't see it that way.  Neither does the rest of society since Jaslene Gonzalez was on the cover of Seventeen magazine.  Though, to be fair, Whitney Thompson also graced the cover of Seventeen and I gotta say, she is much hotter than any of the toothpicks that pass as human beings that have won America's Top Model so far.  DISCLAIMER:  I DO NOT WATCH AMERICA'S TOP MODEL (I googled it so that I could find horrifyingly skinny women to use as examples to give substance to an otherwise meaningless blog post and I found pictures of Whitney Thompson, a plus size model who won.  Thank yoooou, Google).  Never have I ever thought to myself, "Mmm, look at her ribs poking out there.  I just wanna..." and I'm at a loss.  What do you do with someone's bones poking out of their skin? Honestly, curiosity may take over and I would just be poking at bones and say something like "Dude, you are so boney! Seriously, it's creepin' me out."  Though I suppose they are less of a burden on the agricultural industry since no one knows what they eat.  My guess is nothing at all.  Or maybe fingernail clippings. 

The POINT (and I do have one around here somewhere) is:  we are so obsessed with being thin! Ok, yes yes.  Obesity is a problem in America.  Probably worse in the south because we like to fry everything, dunk it in butter, and then fry it again just to make sure it's artery clogging properties aren't lost between the different frying stages.  But body image seems to be an issue as well.  People in general, women especially, feel horrible about how they look.  I came to terms (sort of) with my body because I enjoy eating and I eat on special occasions like Mondays and Tuesdays.  I like food.  So, if "beautiful" means me having bones protruding from my skin, then slap me on a billboard for obesity, bitches but serve me up a burger before you do that.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Steady Decline of Society

In case you have been living under a freakin' rock, the world is going to shit.  It was a slow trip at first but the speed seems to be increasing lately.  A lot of people sit and analyze why this is happening but after a recent trip to Kennesaw I had a sudden epiphany.  I know now exactly what the problem is.  It isn't the economy.  It isn't Republicans or Democrats.  Hell, it isn't even Libertarians if you can believe it.  No.  The rot and decay of society as we know it is being caused by...get ready...stupid people.  Now I know there have been stupid people since the dawn of time but in the past we simply left stupid people to their fate and evolution weeded them out in the form of freakish accidents often involving really big trucks and sometimes riding lawnmowers.  But now we have begun to cater to stupid people.  Much like we child-proof our homes with those little plastic things that go in the wall that neither kids nor adults can get out when you need to use an outlet, the people in charge are idiot-proofing the world so that stupid people everywhere can be safe.  Let's look at some things that are hindering the process of natural selection:

1.  Seat Belts
Ok, before you get too up in arms about this let me just say I always wear my seat belt.  Here in Georgia, and in most states it is a law.  You have to wear one no matter where you are in the car.  Even if you are not driving, you have to wear a seat belt.  If you are caught not wearing a seat belt, you get to pay a handsome fine and it really sucks.  Now, children being required to wear seat belts I can understand.  Children often lack the capacity to understand that something might chop them into little pieces if they aren't careful so children must be regulated and I think people who have children should be penalized honestly but that's a different thing.  People who advocate getting rid of the seat belt law will show you statistics of how maybe a handful of times a person would have lived if they had not been wearing a seat belt but my thought is simply this:  If you are are dumb enough to get into a car and not wear your seat belt...that's just evolution, buddy.  I got into a discussion about this with my political science professor who said to me, in a very snarky tone I might add, "I bet you feel like people shouldn't be required to wear motorcycle helmets, either do you."  Well, I'll tell you...

2.  Motorcycle Helmets
Helmets as well as seat belts kind of fall into the "well, if you're not hurting anyone else we sure as hell don't care what happens to you" category.  Unless you become a flying projectile, you're not going to hurt too many other people if you're not wearing a seat belt.  The same applies to motorcycle helmets.  Who are you affecting by not wearing one besides yourself? No one.  People might experience some emotional trauma from seeing your brains splattered all over the highway but you didn't want to wear a helmet and I say, "more power to you, bro."  And again, if you lack the common sense that God gave gravel and you don't want to wear a helmet...natural selection. 

3.  Fire-safe Cigarettes
If you are a smoker, you know what I'm talking about.  You light your cigarette.  You are carrying on a conversation or maybe typing up a blog bitching about fire-safe cigarettes and your cigarette lies unattended in your ashtray or maybe even hanging from your mouth.  You go to take a drag but no.  It's gone out.  That's because it is "fire-safe".  Basically how it works is, the companies (meaning most of them now) add these bands to the paper and effectively cause "speed bumps" to slow the burning process to...well...nothing.  Leave your cigarette unattended, it will go out on it's own once it gets to one of these sections.  The idea behind this is to prevent accidental fires.  Accidental fires involving cigarettes are mostly caused by people falling asleep in their beds with lit cigarettes.  Now...I have been a smoker for...hang on, let me do math...22 years.  I have never ever smoked a cigarette while lying in bed.  Why? Because I'm not an idiot.  I apologize to those readers who actively smoke in your bed.  I did not mean to offend you're stupid.  What can I say?  All the evidence is there.  While I do often leave cigarettes unattended at my desk (well, used to.  I moved into a house that doesn't allow smoking inside so, whatever), I do not often fall asleep at my desk whereas I sleep almost every night in my bed.  Here's the best part.  There are people who are against calling these "fire-safe" cigarettes because it may lead people to believe that these cigarettes are less likely to cause fires than "normal" cigarettes.  See.  This is what I'm talking about right here.  I can hear it in my head, like a piece of sand rubbing around in there, some anonymous idiot's voice explaining this concept to his buddy: "See, this here is a "fire-safe" cigarette. It don't burn things like normal cigarettes do."  To this as of right now mystery smoker, I say "Have a pack on me.  Sleep tight."

4.  On-ramp Traffic Lights
I was in Kennesaw last week with a friend of mine and I hadn't been to Kennesaw, or rather I hadn't been paying attention the last few times a drove past Kennesaw, in a while.  As we are driving down the interstate, I had to do a double take while passing an exit.  I said, "Was that...a stoplight on the on-ramp?"  My friend explains to me that yes, they added the stoplights to the on-ramps because of traffic and people don't know how to merge and it just makes a mess.  So, this is when it dawns on me that this is the problem with the world today.  We are catering to stupid people.  People don't know how to, let's put stoplights on the on-ramps.  For anyone reading this who doesn't know how to merge, let me explain.  The "on-ramp", is part of the road that goes onto a bigger road we call the "interstate".  Since traffic on the interstate is going "zoom zoom!" you have to be going "zoom zoom!" before you get there, too or you will end up with a lot of booboos and some people giving you the finger.  So, when you get onto the on-ramp you have to go faster and faster and faster and faster! and then you just kind of squeeeeeeze into traffic.  In Atlanta, it's kind of like a game.  If you can get the corner of your bumper between two cars, you're good.  It helps, also to talk out loud like the driver of the other car can hear you, "Oh, you're going to let me in."  Like I always say, "Don't worry, they'll let you in.  It's not like they want to hit you."  It's true.  But now we have stoplights on the on-ramps because obviously the solution to this problem isn't to send all these morons back to the DMV to learn to drive, but to inconvenience the rest of us by making sure the roads are safe for idiots.  "But I just get nervous.  Merging makes me nervous because the cars go too fast and I get scared."  Take a bus.  Marta.  Get your pilot's license and take a plane.  Something.  But for the love of God, get off the road. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

Barbie and Ken Taught Me All About Karma

I was telling someone this story when I thought to myself, "Why have I not put this on my blog yet?" because the story is just ridiculous.  So ridiculous that it is difficult to believe that it could be true but just ridiculous enough to be true so, here it is.  It is also a true story.

My freshman year in college...well, haha...when I was a true freshman many many years ago there was a girl in my dorm who decided, somewhere in the recesses of her mind that it was a good idea to bring her Barbies to college.  Some of you might be thinking what I thought way back then and that was "What the hell is wrong with you exactly?" Don't get me wrong.  I had Barbies when I was a little girl.  Granted, I chopped most of their hair off and they all died tragic deaths, usually but that was when I was six.  At eighteen, I had pretty much gotten out of the Barbie doll phase.  I am aware, however that some people like to collect things and that some of those vintage Barbies are worth quite a bit of money.  I get that.  I collect things.  I have boxes of comic books and baseball cards sitting in a closet.  But see, when people see those they usually say "Awesome! Comic books!" It's a little different with Barbies and even if it weren' don't bring your dolls to college with you.  You just don't.  Maybe a stuffed animal or two or hell, even three but an  army of Barbies and

So, this girl...we'll call her Deanna because...well, that was her name.  She was very possessive of these Barbie dolls.  She wouldn't let us play with them or even touch them because they were collectables.  And honestly, we took great joy as 18 year old bullies in moving one of the Barbies slightly to the right or left of where they had been sitting and no lie...she would notice.  I'm not sure who hatched the brilliant plot, but I'm thinking it was me.  I bought a disposable camera from the drug store and her roommate and I set to work on our deviant scheme.

The plan was simple.  Deanna was at the library studying for exams.  Why weren't we studying for exams? What, are you kidding me? Anyways, while she was gone we would take Barbie and Ken, undress them, put them in various compromising positions and take pictures.  Then we would put all their clothes back on and return them to their original places.  Deanna would be none the wiser.  Until she received the photos anonymously in her Berry mailbox.  Brilliant, right? Well, unfortunately our plan was ruined when Deanna came back to her room to get her calculator and caught us, blew a gasket and that ended the fun.


Five years later I'm rummaging through some old stuff and I say, "Hey, an old roll of film.  I wonder what's on it..."  Without hesitating or even considering that it might not be wise, I took off to Wal-mart to have the pictures developed, my roommate in tow.  I notice right away that the pictures are from my freshman dorm because there's so-and-so and I'm enjoying my stroll down memory lane.

You know how you can be having such a wonderful time and then it can turn into such complete horror that you can't recall why you were having a wonderful time just moments before? When I flipped to the next was kinda like that.  For me, anyways.  My roommate, however busts out laughing and says:  "What.  Is that?!" See, in my hand was a photo of Barbie and Ken, mid-coitus on Deanna's desk.  It was a pretty good shot for a disposable camera.  I felt compelled to tell the entire story while standing there in earshot of the photo technician lest he think I'm a complete social deviant and all around weirdo.  I do not undress Barbies for fun or profit.  It was a joke.  A harmless prank!

Ah.  Karma.  It really does work.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Nature is All Around Me

Ok, I know it's been like...a month or more (look, I am done with math so I don't have to use numbers anymore.  Ever.  Let's just say it's been a minute) since I posted last and it's looking all sad and dusty over here.  I'm sorry.  I have school.  I also moved which is not as fun as it sounds.  The dogs were stressed...wait, let me back up a second.  The dog was stressed.  Alice thought it was the most amazing adventure of her entire life but Zoe had a rough time with it.  Anyways, she hated it and I hated it, too because I was moving and going to school and working (sort of) so I've been busy.  I said all that to say, get off my back.  I'm writing one, ok?

With that said, I really don't have anything to write about because there have been some things sucking all the fun out of my life worse than Stephanie Meyer sucked the credibility out of the writing profession.  I mean sure, she's making big bucks but really, the one thing in that book that should have sucked (i.e. the vampires) didn't.  They just sparkled.  Anyways, I'm getting off track.  Or am I? I could write a whole blog on Twilight.  Maybe next time.  Right now, let me tell you all about my new house!

1.  Moving
For those of you who don't know me very well, I like to keep things.  Lots of things.  When it comes time to move, it is difficult for me to decide what I want to take and what I want to leave.  This is frustrating because I can't really enlist anyone to help me move because I don't know what to tell them to pack.  Spending 10 minutes trying to decide if I want to take along a candle holder is counter productive to the whole "packing" thing.  That is why it is called "packing" and not "sitting there and deciding what to pack".  Aside from the whole tons of crap issue, there was also the fact that my house, my old house (well, my one now, too) was a mess.  I couldn't pack dishes because they were dirty.  I seriously contemplated throwing all my dishes away and just starting over from scratch.  New house.  New dishes.  Then I remembered that I'm not a crazy person (yet) and washed my dishes and packed them and now I'm here.

Yes, let's talk about "here".  The new house is out in the woods.  The woods are quiet and at night they are very dark.  And things move around out there.  Things move around out there in the dark.  So, for the first week or so, I was jumping at my own shadow (or I would be if I had had one, which I didn't because it's so damn dark) because of all the nighttime woodland sounds.  My new roommate owns about 6 dozen guns of various shapes, sizes, and (this is a very important distinction) noise level.  He talks to me about them like I know what he's saying.  "Well, this is a 22 and it's very quiet." This, by the way is a lie.  Or we have very different definitions of quiet.  Anyways, he uses words like 22 and 45 and clip and other words that I understand in different contexts but not this one.  The only thing that I initially felt was important was the answer to this question:  "Is it loaded?" because I'm not against people having guns, but I am afraid of them myself because I don't put it past me at all to accidentally look at a gun and end up blowing one of my limbs off.  He, however is very proficient with the guns and I was calling him outside every five seconds because I kept hearing things.  I felt he could handle it because we found a huge spider in the back yard the third day we were here and he (true story) shot it.  He finally had enough and told me that I was going to hear things because there were things out there.  And this, believe it or not brings me to the second point.

2.  Nature
I've heard from several what I once considered reliable sources that nature is great.  Look at the pretty trees and the pretty flowers and the pretty sunrise and the pretty sunset and the pretty grass.  Nature is just so pretty.  And peaceful.  It is also all over me.  Nature is everywhere out here and it is not pretty.  First, there are spiders.  Big spiders.  I hate spiders for obvious reasons.  Look at them.  If you can't look at a spider and tell why people hate them (I'm not the only one, you know) then you're just special but spiders are also poisonous.  Yes, I know not all spiders are poisonous but does it really matter? Are you going to pull out your Guide to Southeastern Spiders and try to figure out if it's poisonous or not while it crawls toward you, ready to devour the very flesh from your bones?! Or at least crawl on you? I didn't think so.  In addition to spiders we also have very large mosquitoes.  You would think with all these damn spiders, there wouldn't be so many mosquitoes.  But no.  The spiders aren't just terrifying freaks of nature, they're also lazy and refuse to do their job.  Let's talk about my favorite now:  snakes.  I'm ok with snakes so long as they are behind glass and they have a colorful little plaque that tells you what they are and where they're from and I've even held a snake once and it wasn't too bad.  Snakes that are out in nature are totally different because you never know what you're getting into.  When you see a snake and then recount the story, people always ask the same question, "What kind of snake was it?" The kind you run the hell away from, of course.  Stupid question.  So, yesterday my roommate's wife comes in and says there's a bicycle tire in the yard.  A bicycle tire.  Not that I am so hard up for entertainment I need to go look at a bicycle tire, but we do live out in the woods so I thought that was a little weird.  Wouldn't you know, it was not a bicycle tire, it was a snake.  A snake the approximate color and width of a mountain bicycle tire, as a matter of fact so I can see how the mix up happened.  I promptly turned around and hauled my ass back into the house.  Yeah.  Nature is fantastic.
3.  Electricity
Don't be an imbecile, of course we have electricity.  We also have indoor plumbing, believe it or not.  However, the wiring in this house seems to have been done by someone with an insane sense of humor.  I say that because I just felt like someone was playing some sort of joke on me whenever I would try to turn the lights on.  On Monday the lights in the bathroom would work but on Tuesday, they wouldn't.  The bathroom lights are also connected to the hall light where the breaker box is so using my phone (we don't have a flashlight) I make my way down the hall, find the tripped breaker and turn it back on and we have lights again.  This happened about three or four times before I screamed at ceiling "What the hell is going on with the lights?!" No one answered me of course but here's what we've figured out so far:  The bathroom lights and the hall lights are connected to each other which is fine but they are also connected to the outlets on just one side of my bedroom on the other side of the house.  Take that into consideration along with the fact that my bedroom is upstairs and the bathroom is downstairs, and it seems a little weird to me.  Of course, I'm no electrician.  Plugging anything into the outlets on that side of the bedroom will result in the breaker tripping and me falling down the stairs in the dark trying to get to the bathroom which is inconvenient when you really gotta go.  We also found that one outlet in the living room is connected to the outlet that my computer is plugged into so you can't plug anything into that outlet or none of the other outlets in the living room will work.  You don't have to turn it on.  You just have to plug it in and the breaker goes on strike and gives you the middle finger when you go to reset it.  Aside from the breakers, the light in the dining room is a lazy good for nothing and only works when it feels like it.  We try not to piss it off so that we can have light in that room but it is a very lazy and temperamental.  And also very angry, apparently.

Ok, I have more but I'm really tired so I'll try to fill you in on the rest later.  That is so unprofessional but I don't care because I'm not getting paid for this.  Unless you guys want to start paying me and then I will gladly think of a few more lines to waste your time (and money) with.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

On Tanning, Panties, Belching, and Peeing in the Shower

So, it has been pointed out to me (on more than one occasion, believe it or not) that I have certain habits that other people find...unseemly.  I like that word...unseemly.  Anyways, I think people find it difficult to believe that I'm actually a girl.  When I was little, though I had really short hair and I used to pretend to be a boy.  Haha.  That should have been an indicator but my parents were either dumb or in denial.  Not much room for denial now.  Various family members over the years have tried to turn me into a girl (not physically, of course.  I can't be more girl physically than I already am).  It started with my mom who used to force me to wear dresses and those dresses would always end up dirty or torn or the hem would get ripped out but that never stopped her.  Following in her footsteps, my mom's sisters have given me every variation of purse or pocket book imaginable.  I'm thankful for those gifts because I feel that a purse is a nifty accessory to have if you like that sort of thing and I have tried on occasion to actually use one but I get stressed because I just don't carry enough stuff around with me to warrant the use of a purse.  That and I tend to lose things.  Which isn't so bad since I don't have anything to carry in my purse but an ink pen or some gum.

Bathroom Etiquette
I started thinking about this the other night when a friend of mine made a comment about peeing in the shower.  I was shocked to discover that a great many people do not feel that it is appropriate to pee in the shower.  This confuses me for several reasons.  The first reason is this:  it's your shower (hopefully) who cares if you pee in it? Secondly, aren't you going to clean your shower? I hope so.  Third:  It's going down the drain so it's not like you're standing in it or anything.  Fourth:  This saves on toilet paper.  Other people advocate peeing in the shower to save on the water used to flush it down the toilet but I am first and foremost a very lazy person and getting a new roll of toilet paper out of the hall closet and then taking the used up roll off the roller and putting the new roll on the roller is a hassle.  Peeing in the shower prolongs this eventuality, I feel.  The point is, what's the big deal? You're in the shower already anyways.  I'm not saying you should use your shower as an alternative to using the toilet (I've heard of guys who pee in the sink.  This just makes no sense to me at all unless you' the sink already? Absurd).  Unless you're saying, "I have to pee so I'm going to jump in the shower," I see nothing wrong with peeing in the shower.  Evidently, this makes me very non-girly and gross.

Bodily Functions
When I was in college...haha, I mean the first time around...I had this friend and she could belch like a champ.  I mean, they were the best burps I've ever heard in my entire life and I have a brother who is six years older than I am.  She was impressive.  Her belches were so legendary that she started clarifying her gender every time she burped by saying "I'm a girl."  I aspired to be able to belch like her and that began my sordid love affair with Dr. Pepper, but that's a different story.  Let's be honest, nothing makes you burp like Dr. Pepper.  I think it may have been invented for that purpose alone and then later on it was discovered that Dr. Pepper was delicious, which was an added bonus to its burp inducing abilities.  I've been informed here fairly recently by a friend of mine that it is completely unacceptable to burp like this.  Or to burp ever in front of other people.  This makes me sad because even though it's been well over 15 years, I still haven't achieved my goal of burping like my friend Shannon.  My friend and I were having dinner at my house, let me emphasize that we were at my house.  Just us.  No one else.  And I burped and though it wasn't nearly the quality of Shannon's burps, it was still pretty good.  My friend was completely taken aback.  "You can't do that!" she exclaimed.  "Why?" was my eloquent rebuttal.  "You just don't burp like that!" she said.  "What am I supposed to do? Just hold it in?" I asked.  "Yes," she replied.  Holding in burps seems unnatural to me.  Belching is the body's way of saying "Hey, I see you have more food there.  Here, let me make more room for it."  The body knows it needs food and the eyes communicate to the rest of the body that, hey, there's a lot more food here and you better do something down there to make space.  It's science.  Or anatomy.  Something like that.

Sexy Undergarments
There is nothing more girly than having fancy panties.  It's true.  None of my panties are fancy but they are colorful and I think they're cute and hell, no one is looking at them here lately anyways, so it doesn't really matter but anyways...I want to say on this subject that women have been told a lie by someone, probably Victoria, about panties (specifically thongs) and they believe it and they pass it on to other, unsuspecting women.  Most girls own a thong, or most girls that I know with whom I've had this conversation.  More often to not they say the following:  "Oh mah gawd! I love my thong! It is soooo comfortable!" This, friends, is a vicious, vicious lie.  Women believe this lie so deeply that they have fooled themselves into believing that thongs actually are comfortable and they spread this lie to other women who go out and buy one.  Or several.  Not many people know this, but this is actually one of Victoria's secrets that no one is supposed to know.  I was educated by a friend of mine that the importance of having "sexy" underwear is so that you feel more confident  But I ask you, when you have a perpetual wedgie do you feel sexy? No.  You want to dig it out only, with a thong you can't.  It's in there, buddy.  It ain't comin' out.  Sometimes, though you want to try anyways and I can assure you, seeing a woman trying to dig out a wedgie (especially a wedgie that isn't going to come out no matter what) is the farthest thing from sexy.  People who may accidentally read this blog may say, "That's not true.  Thongs really are comfortable!" Don't believe this propaganda!

Sunbathing Techniques
When it comes to sunbathing, I am all for it.  I hate being pale.  That's because I'm not that lovely shade of ivory that only movie stars like Nicole Kidman can achieve.  During the winter, my skin looks kind of like toothpaste (not the gel kind) or maybe cream of wheat.  So, I can sunbathe with the best of them.  I like it.  Especially if there is a pool involved.  However, I've noticed that people like know, people who actually sunbathe in the sun are seen as more or less philistine and uncouth.  Laying in the sun is sooo two (or three or four?) decades ago.  Now everyone uses tanning beds.  The purpose of tanning beds is completely lost on me.  First of all, seeing tan people in December totally throws my inner clock off.  And it looks ridiculous because when tanning beds first came into being it was so that people could lay in them and other people would think they had actually been laying in the sun.  It was like tan cheating.  When you're tan in December, everyone knows why.  It completely defeats the purpose.  Also, haven't you seen Final Destination 26 where that girl gets fried in the tanning bed? If I used tanning beds, that would have ruined it for me.  That and I'm a little claustrophobic.  I have used a tanning bed once but never again because it's a little complicated for me and those little sunglasses look silly.

Friday, March 18, 2011

How to Talk to Women 101 - A Lesson in Compliments and General Observations

I've been a woman for a long time now, well...all of my life, actually and so I feel pretty confident when I say that there are some things you never say to a woman.  This goes beyond the age old "You never ask a woman her age".  It is much deeper than that.  Seriously, though.  There is only one time when it is ok to ask a woman her age and I'll get to that after I waste a little more time in the opening paragraph.  Well! I have nothing else to say so, let's dive right in, shall we?

1.  "When are you due?"
You never ever ever ever ask a woman this even if you are 99.9% sure she is pregnant because there is always that .1% chance that she's not.  And even if you are 100% certain, you still don't just in case God hates you.  Ok, fine.  You can ask this but it is only advisable during key points in the pregnancy:

Worst:  Any period between conception and birth especially if you don't know the person.  Otherwise you have the awkward possibility of having the following (true. as in this happened to a friend of mine recently) conversation:
     Waitress:  Awww! When are you due?
      My Friend:  ...I'm not due.
     Waitress:  Oh, shit.  Wait here while I go to the back and drink some bleach (NOTE:  the waitress didn't      actually say this but I bet she wanted to)

Bad:  At the baby shower.  True, it's a baby shower so you know someone somewhere is pregnant but are you really sure who it is? What if you pick the wrong lady?

Ok:  When her water breaks you can ask the following question and be relatively safe:  "Are you due now?"

Good:  In the delivery room, moments before the little bundle of joy arrives.  "Oh! I guess you're having a baby!"

Best:  Two to three years after birth is the safest time to bring it up and it should be handled in the following manner:  "This is your kid?! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

2.  Always ask a woman for her I.D.
This is the exception (sort of) to the rule of not asking a woman her age.  You never ask a woman her age unless she needs to be a certain age to get in somewhere or do something.  A woman buying alcohol in a bar should always be asked for proof that she isn't as "young" as she looks.  Even if she is using a walker.  I used to find it frustrating that I would get carded for cigarettes because I am obviously over 18.  But when the bouncer at a club a couple of years ago asked for my friend's i.d. and not mine, I wanted to sit in the corner and cry.  I remember that guy.  He's on my list.

3.  Never assume that the woman is the mother of the other people that are with her
This also ties into the age thing and is one of my most horrifying experiences.  At Taco Bell, of all places.  I was meeting a friend of mine to eat and although she is younger than I am, she's not that much younger but the manager asked me if she was my daughter.  I wanted to spit on him.  Or something disgusting of that nature and then do something that all the kids are doing nowadays like...listen to my ipod and look gloomy and unpleasant.  And I wanted to get a lot of facial piercings and color my hair four different colors.
4.  Never comment on a woman's diet or the fact that she isn't adhering to said diet
Women in general like to diet except for me because I actually like food and dislike torture so I eat food that tastes good and I eat it in large quantities.  With that said, I am still "technically" on a diet because that is how we women tend to justify our eating habits.  "I know that this fried chicken smothered in gravy, cheese, bacon, and chocolate syrup isn't actually on my diet, but I've been good this week."  In this situation you would never say any of the following phrases:

"I thought you were on a diet."

"I guess you're off your diet, huh?"

"Wow.  You must be hungry."

"The weather sure was nice today."

Basically, just don't say anything.  The hungry woman spooks very easily.

5.  If a woman looks nice, never point out that she looks "different"
Women are touchy about their looks, even those who don't really make an effort to look me.  Though, on occasion a woman might be in the mood to do her hair or wear make-up or wear something nice for no reason at all.  It is perfectly acceptable to compliment her on her looks but it must be done in a certain way.  The following is acceptable:

"You look nice."

You should stop there.  Never ever add the word "today" to the end of that sentence.  This implies that on other days, she looks like medusa.  Even if you don't mean that, trust me.  That's how she'll take it.  In fact, never add the word "today" after any compliment.  Other phrases to avoid:

"That outfit makes you look so slim!" - What this translates to in the female brain is this:  "Under that outfit you're a big fat cow!"

"Your hair looks soooo much better!"

Now, these are just suggestions and you don't have to follow them but if you do, one day you might look back and thank me for saving your life.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Things I've Learned About Children

This may frighten some of you but I have spent many years working with children.  I know, right? Scary.  I mean, I've spent years doing other things, too like retail and waiting tables and cleaning out dog kennels and mowing grass and selling vacuum cleaners.  That last one was a very short experience because while I consider myself a fairly good salesperson, when it comes to vacuum cleaners I suck.  Haha.  Ok, anyways...the bulk of my working life, though has been spent with children.  I've been a substitute teacher, a daycare teacher, and a nanny.  Not necessarily in that order.  I know a lot of people who say, "Ugh.  I hate kids" and I used to dislike them, too until I learned what seemed like an enormous dislike of children was actually just fear.  What if you break one of them? I don't think they come with any sort of warranty.  What is the return policy on children? I have no idea.  However, once I was tossed into the world of children I started to learn some things and the more I learned the less afraid I was.

1.  Children Have Cast Iron Stomachs
My first encounter with this was when I was a nanny for a foster family.  The family had eight children ranging in age from 2 to 13.  It wasn't as bad as it sounds because I could get the oldest to help me with the smaller kids and eventually everyone got fed and washed and read to and tucked in.  Two year olds, however have this supernatural ability to be in several different places at the same time and there was only one of me plus a 13 year old boy so, the odds were not stacked in my favor.  So, after bath time one night we all settled down with twenty bags of popcorn (you have no idea how much one child can eat, not to mention eight) to watch a movie before it was time for bed.  The eight year old and the ten year old started fighting and I gave the two year old her sippy cup so she would be occupied with something for a bit (hahahahahahaha, yeah...) so I could settle this squabble.  After the fight was over and band-aids were distributed, we settled back down and I sat on the couch next to the two year old who was happily drinking out of the Scooby Doo bubble bath bottle.  She had teleported into the bathroom, gotten the bubble bath and then teleported back into the living room (it took all of 5 seconds) and was poisoning herself right in front of me.  I snatched the bottle away from her and she burped and I dialed poison control and was in a full on panic.  As it turns out, it is totally fine for children to drink Scooby Doo bubble bath but it gives them diarrhea.

2.  Children Have No Fear
When I was a child I feared nothing except that there might be sharks in the bathtub or the swimming pool.  This comes from the traumatizing experience I had at five when my mom thought it would be fine for me to watch Jaws.  Other than sharks, I was fearless.  I'm not sure how I survived the first 10 years of my life, honestly.  As an adult it is difficult for me to watch kids do the same things I used to do.  "What are you doing with that ax?!" "We're building a fort!" Fort building is kind of a rite of passage for kids everywhere.  It must be done.  I used to climb really tall trees with my dad's saw (not electric) and a hammer and about a dozen or so nails in my mouth to build a fort and thought nothing of it.  Looking back, my parents weren't very attentive...anyways.  Over the years I have been the only one standing in the way of impending doom like stopping the seven year old from hitting his younger sister in the head with a hammer but my favorite story isn't even mine.  It comes from a friend of mine who told me one day that she discovered her four year old son having a "sword fight" with his 2 year old sister...with steak knives.  This story was funny for me.  Not so much for her.

3.  Children Sometimes Have to Learn the Hard Way
Since the children I look after belong to other people (thank God), it is very rare that I find myself in the position to teach them life lessons.  And even on those occasions I more often than not refuse to become involved.  Like the following (real) conversation:

Little Sister:  Kim! Older Brother said a bad word!
Me:  Oh? What did he say?
Little Sister:  *embarrassed silence* Well...can I spell it?
Me:  Fine.  Spell it.
Little Sister:  S-E-X
Me:  ...That's not really a bad word but he probably shouldn't be talking ab...hang on...*walks to the living room*  Ok, what are you talking about in here?
Older Brother:  *note...older brother is 12* I just said the cat was sexy....I was kidding!
Me:  Ok.  That's disturbing, older brother.  Don't say that anymore.
Little Sister:  Why isn't sex bad?
Me:  ....we're not having this conversation.  Ask your mother.

There was no way I was getting into that life lesson.  Smaller life lessons are ok, though.  So, when the above older brother was 4, he informed me one day that girls didn't know how to play video games.  I asked him where he had heard that.  "My dad".  "Oh.  Really?" Now, I know some people will say that when you play games with little kids you are supposed to take it easy on them and sometimes let them win.  Whoever made up this silly rule probably wasn't good at video games and in the spirit of not wanting to look like an idiot who had just lost a game to a little kid, they made up this stupid rule and now the whole world expects people to follow it.  "Well, what are you playing there?"  "Tony Hawk's Pro-skater.  Only boys are good at this game."  "Alright, you're on."  After about an hour of getting schooled in the art of video game skateboarding, he threw the controller down and said, "How come you're so good at this game?!" I ruffled his hair affectionately and said, "Because...I'm a girl".

4.  Children Have Supersonic Hearing
It doesn't matter what you're saying or how low you're saying it, you could be mouthing it and if there is a kid within a 50 mile radius, they are going to hear it.  I have no idea how this works.  My only conclusion is that, like teleportation, it is one of those kid super powers.  It is also a power they can switch on and off.  "Clean up your toys" you can shout at the top of your lungs and they'll never hear it but let a bad word slip, even if it is under your breath, and a kid in Siberia is going to hear you.

Me:  *making grilled cheese sandwiches and I burn my finger*  Shhht       <--- note:  I didn't even say the whole word and it was more of a hiss than actual speech.
Kid:  *running full speed from the other side of the house into the kitchen*   We don't say "shit".
Me:  You are right.  That is a bad word and we don't say it.  I'm sorry.
Kid:  That's ok.  My daddy says it when he tries to fix the shower.
This brings us to the next point:
5.  Children Will Absolutely Every Time Tell the Most Embarrassing Thing They Know About You to Complete Strangers.
If you have children and they're not old enough to form complete or coherent sentences you might want to start preparing yourself now.  Anything you don't want all of mankind to know about, you better get rid of it.  You can't hide it, whatever it is because they'll find it (another kid super power).  Just get rid of it.  If it's a habit, stop now.  Save yourself the embarrassment.  People with children who are old enough to speak have no secrets because their children tell everyone.  "Oh, aren't you adorable!" "My daddy sleeps naked." (true story).  When I was a kid I was out shopping with my mother.  The cashier said, "Your fingernails are so pretty!" and I, of course chimed in merrily with:  "They're fake".  When I got older, I thought the story was cute and funny.  Then I started working with children and I carry a deep regret for all the embarrassing things I ever told about my parents.  On the upside, if you ever want an honest opinion, you can always just ask your children. 

6.  Children are Funny
We've all probably watched that show Kids Say the Darndest Things but until you spend time with children you really have no idea.  Sometimes the joke is at your expense and they don't even know it.

Two Year Old #1:  Let's play school!
Two Year Old #2:  Ok! I get to be Miss Ashley!
 Two Year Old #1:  Ok! I'm going to be Miss Kim!
*Two Year Old #1 gets a baby doll, drags a chair away from the table and sets the doll in it*
Two Year Old #1:  YOU'RE IN TIME OUT!

Sometimes the humor is simply born out of curiosity:

Four year old:  Kim...
Me:  Mmhmm?
Four year old:  Do fish pee in the ocean?
Me:  Umm...well, yeah.  I guess they do.
Two year old:  That's nasty.  I pee in the potty.
Me:  Good job.

I look back at all those years I wasted avoiding kids with a little regret because honestly, you can be having the absolute worst day and all it takes is one kid to make it better.  Granted, all it takes is one kid to make it worse but still...there is one thing in the world that can make all the bad things in my day seem so small and trivial:

Kid:  Kim...
Me:  Hmm?
Kid:  I love you, Kim.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Stupid

I'm sick and I can't sleep when I'm sick so here I am.  I don't understand how people can sleep for 23 hours a day when they're sick.  It makes no sense to me.  I've played video games and watched movies.  I did sleep for about an hour.  I had a dream about lemonade and I woke up wanting lemonade but did not have the stomach to actually get up and go get any so now I'm sick, tired and lemonade-less.  I also missed work and I hate that.  Mostly because I am poor and I need money but there is another reason.  People, more specifically stupid people, make me laugh.  Well, when they're not making me want to bash my head against a wall or some other sturdy surface.  Though, at my job at The-Book-Store-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named I get a different breed of stupid than I did when I worked at The-Video-Rental-Store-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named-In-As-Much-As-My-Severance-Contract-Forbids-Me-From-Speaking-Badly-About-Them because the stupid that comes into the former can read and the stupid that comes into the latter, well the jury is still out on that.  I'm not convinced.  Anyways, here are some of the breeds currently up for adoption:

The Clueless:  I like to have some sort of idea what I'm going to ask someone who works in a store before I ask them because, well...I don't particularly enjoy looking or feeling stupid.  I'm not saying it never happens.  I look stupid often, especially when dealing with anything to do with math, but I make an effort to not look stupid.  But at least twice a day I get The Clueless.  You can recognize them because they are generally unhelpful and as a customer service type person, I want to help.  Seriously.  I do.  I swear.

Me:  Hi, how can I help you?
Clueless:  I'm looking for a book
*long pause.  And I mean a really long pause.  And it isn't an "I'm thinking" pause, either because they're staring at me like I'm supposed to, at this point spring into action*
Me: Ok.  We have some... (I've actually said this.  But only once.  Usually I just stare back at them)
Clueless:  Well, I don't know the name of it.
Me:  That's ok.  Do you know the author's name?
Clueless:  No.
Me: you know what it's about?
Clueless:  Yeah.  My friend told me about it, but I forgot. (this actually means "no", but whatever)
*at this point I'm starting to flounder because I'm not exactly sure what form of ESP this person thinks I possess and maybe I should direct them to the "New Age" section to read up on that or maybe "Sci-fi".  So, in desperation, I ask any kind of question that might give me a clue as to what it is that they want*
Me:  Do you know what the cover looks like?
Clueless:  No.
Me:  Have they made it into a movie?
Clueless:  I don't think so.
Me:  Is it bigger than a bread box?
Clueless:  Maybe?
*I've pretty much given up and conclude that this person is, in fact suffering from the stupid so I direct them to a book I'm pretty sure will be on their level of comprehension*
Me:  Well, I'm sorry I can't help you more but have you read "Twilight"?
Clueless:  Oooo, I loved that book.
Me:  I'm sure you did.

Speaking of Twilight, I'm sure many people who read this are going to send me death threats because Stephanie Meyers is, in their opinion the best writer who ever lived and they are not afraid to show it, or tell you about it, or you know...hang around in your store every day for hours talking about how great it is and how they watched the movie twenty-seven times (I'm not making this up) or what a great couple Edward and Bella are and that Kristen Stewart and Cedric Diggory (I don't know the dude's name) are a real couple and they love each other and isn't it romantic that they met on the set of Twilight and wouldn't Kristen Stewart make a terrific vampire? Now, I made a vow that I wasn't going to get too serious on this blog but I have to, as a thinking person and someone who enjoys reading books that don't suck, be serious for just a moment in response to these horrific lies, which are all true in the sense that there is a customer who does all of the above things.

1.  Stephanie Meyers is not a good writer.  Ok, she might be but if she is she hasn't written anything good yet.  But she's still young.
2.  There isn't a movie in existence that I have seen 27 times.  I haven't even watched Star Wars 27 times (yet) and it's been around for over 30 years.  There is nothing that good.
3.  There is nothing romantic about the set of Twilight.  There is nothing romantic about Twilight, period.  A guy who sneaks into your bedroom and watches you all night while you sleep is not romantic.  It is creepy.  And if you don't believe me, watch Paranormal Activity.  The scene where she wakes up and stands at the side of the bed watching her boyfriend sleep while the camera ticks away 3 hours...I did not come away from that scene saying "Aww, that was so romantic".  I came away saying "There is something very wrong with that bitch".  Creepy. 
4.  No, I don't think Kristen Stewart would make a great vampire because, you guys aren't going to believe this, you ready? Vampires aren't real.

The Inquisitor
The Inquisitor is very frustrating but when I get home and think about him or her, it makes me laugh.  The Inquisitor is recognizable as the customer who comes in a lot but never actually buys anything.  Regardless, you have to look up everything for him (or her).

Inquisitor:  Hi, I was wondering if you had Oprah Winfrey's new book "How to Tell if You're an Idiot -- An Autobiography" [DISCLAIMER:  OPRAH DOES NOT HAVE A BOOK TITLED THIS.  THIS WAS THE BLOG AUTHOR'S FAILED ATTEMPT AT HUMOR AND SHE SINCERELY HOPES OPRAH DOES NOT COME TO TAKE HER SOUL] 
Me:  God, I hope so...
Inquisitor:  Huh?
Me:  Oh, nothing.  Let me look that up for you.  Actually we do have it.  Let me show you where it is.
Inquisitor:  Oh, that's ok.  I was just wondering if you had it.

 Now, I am all for useless facts and information.  I have a wealth of useless knowledge stored away in my brain and I use it to watch Jeopardy.  This is not the same thing.  What are you going to do with that information? Sell it to the highest bidder? I don't understand at all! I mean, has anyone gone into Wal-mart lately and asked a customer service person (assuming you can find one in Wal-mart) "Excuse me, do you sell toilet paper?" And the customer service person says, "Sure.  Let me show you where it is" (this also never happens in Wal-mart but let's pretend for the purpose of the example).  And you say, "Oh, that's ok.  I was just wondering if you had any."? Anyone? I didn't think so.

The Gigglers
Now, the Gigglers are by far my favorite to deal with because not only do they act stupid, you can make them realize their stupidity without actually being rude.  The Gigglers are usually found in the "Relationship" section which is really just a bunch of books about sex and/or sex positions.  We have a book called 365 Sex Positions.  I'm sure some of you are racing to your local bookstore right now and won't even finish reading this.  The Gigglers love this section.  And you know when they're there because they...giggle.  Usually they're teenagers but every now and then you get some adults and sometimes you get the lone guy and he's not funny.  Just...weird.  Anyways, I love the Gigglers because, as I said it is easy to make them feel stupid and they should feel stupid so I think it is some form of bookstore justice.  When I hear the Gigglers I suddenly get this desire, this overwhelming urge to straighten the books in the relationship section.  So, I start at one end and start straightening.  They don't see me at first because they're too busy giggling.  When they do finally realize that I'm there, well that's the best part.  The giggling stops like these folks have some sort of mute feature.  They stuff whatever books they were looking at haphazardly on the shelf and scuttle off, clearly more embarrassed than they have ever been in their lives.  I don't even care.  I put the books back, feeling satisfied and then I go wash my hands.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Some Things I've Noticed Lately That Annoy Me

First of all, it is going to take me at least a couple of hours to write this because I'm drunk and I don't type well when I'm drunk.  But I'm not drunk enough to not care about my spelling so I have to either type slowly or spend a lot of time backspacing to correct spelling errors.  If I miss any I'm sorry.  Not really.  If I miss any, screw you guys.  I don't even care.  I do care.  I'm going to try not to miss any.

1.  Bar Loiterers
     Firstly, is loiterers even a word? I have no idea.  More to the point, get your drink and get your ass out of the way.  What the hell, man? You have a mob behind you wanting to get a drink and we can't get to the bar because you are just standing there like a moron.  I will give some leeway to those who are already druink and need the bar for moral and physical support but the rest of you, come on.  Stop being a douche.  We don't care that you have a drink.  We don't care that you are awesome in your pink shirt with a popped collar.  Just so you know, that look....stupid.  If you had a t-shirt that said "I am a complete douche" on the front it would not be even slightly more obvious than what you are wearing right now.  Just get your girl drink and move away.  I was going to say "Get your Bud Light" but I really like Bud Light and I thought that would be a little hypocritical.  Moving on.

2.  One uppers
      We all know them, right? The one-uppers.  You are telling a story.  A story that you are proud of because it is either A.  Bombass awesome or B.  The funniest thing to ever be uttered ever and you have this friend (you don't know why this person is your friend because they are the most annoying person ever born) who has an even better story that is similar to your story only better.  Your friend's life was directed by damn Michael Bay and it is like your life only with big ass special effects and explosions.  You could say, "Dude, I once dived off a pier and hit my head and broke my neck and it was crazy" and your friend would say something like, "No, man check this out.  I went skydiving once and the parachute didn't open and I died.  No shit.  True story.  It was insane."  Just stop it, dude.  

That's all I have because I can't really see straight anymore.  I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and say, "What the hell, man..." but that will be tomorrow and I'm kind of ok with that right now.  Haha, I can't find my mouse cursor.  I've been moving my mouse around for like a whole minute and can't find it.  Wtf?

Thursday, January 13, 2011

How I'm Doing on My New Year's Resolutions

Crappy.  The end.  No, I'm kidding.  Haha.  Well, I'm kidding about that being the end.  I'm not so much kidding about the "crappy" part.  This is how far I actually got on my resolutions:  "Hmm, I think I'll set some resolutions this year".  What? That's it.  That's really as far as I got.  I have my reasons which, guess what! I'm going to share with you.

Resolution #1:  I am going to quit smoking! 
So, I have a really great reason for making this resolution and it really has little to do (actually, it has absolutely nothing to do) with my health.  Smoking is really expensive and I'm a student and I have a part-time job and I really just can't afford to be a smoker.  I start thinking about this and then I get stressed because I have no money because the power company is peopled entirely by douchebags and the cable company is worse and the job prospects for my major are not looking great and the stress just PILES UP AND PILES UP AND I NEED A CIGARETTE FOR MY NERVES! is difficult for me to write and not smoke.  There, I said it.  The love of my life, writing, is an enabler.  However, I tell myself that I am contributing to the declining economy in my own unique, special, tiny way.  That and everyone knows you can't lose weight if you are trying to quit smoking, which brings us to the next failure...I mean, erm...the next resolution:

Resolution #2:  I am going to lose weight!
Last semester I was required to take Health & Fitness which really should have been called:  You Are Fat and Lazy and You Are Probably Going to Die (Especially if You are Fat and a Smoker)...101.  In retrospect, I am happy that I had to take this class because otherwise I never would have known that I'm overweight.  I mean, looking in the mirror was clearly not enough of a clue so thank God for Health & Fitness.  Despite the fact that the class made me want to cut myself for being a fat, lazy American it really taught me some things.  Like, if your shirt is baggy enough, the professor can't really tell that you're not actually doing the body prop and you're just laying there on the mat.  I also got to see a pound of fat, conveniently stored in a plastic sandwich baggie and I thought about all the sandwich baggies I would need for all my fat and that thought entertained me for an entire class session.  I have to say that my favorite part was the little machine that prints out your BMI.  BMI, for those of you who are uneducated in You Are Fat-ness, stands for Body Mass Index.  What this is...I have no idea, really.  I just know that they hook you up to this little machine and it prints out a piece of paper that tells you what percentage of fat you have and then it says if you are underweight or overweight or just right.  I was honestly expecting my piece of paper to say, "How are you still alive?" but it didn't.  All it said was that I was overweight.  Again, thank God otherwise I never would have known.  The wonders of a college education, I tell you.  I am not losing weight because, and I'm not going to lie, I've been eating.  I know someone out there might inadvertently read this and they will psychoanalyze it and say "You overeat because you are sad/stressed/angry/depressed/depraved/lonely/creative/happy/childish/sarcastic/witty/romantic/clever/devious" but it just isn't true.  I overeat because the food that I choose to eat tastes spectacular.  It tastes so good that I want to eat more of it! I want to eat it forever.  That's how good it is.  The answer to this problem is to just make other food taste better.  If celery tasted like fried chicken I would never stop eating it.  Ever.  Surely if the smart people who make the food can pump a chicken so full of hormones that it can't even walk (true story), then I feel they should make celery that tastes like fried chicken and broccoli that tastes like chocolate pie.

Resolution #3:  I am going to keep my house clean!
Ok, just typing this made me laugh simply because I am sitting in my house right now.  Just from where I am sitting I can see one empty wine bottle (maybe I should have made a "cut down on the drinking" resolution.  Meh, next year), one empty Dr. Pepper bottle, one empty diet Dr. Pepper can, three dirty glasses, one love seat covered in clean laundry, pieces of one empty pizza box lovingly pulled out of the trash by my main dog, Zoe, and decimated, some loose change (on the floor), an empty box of Fruity Pebbles, four empty cigarette packs...this is just the living room.  The kitchen, well I won't even go into that.  It's a mess.  It's not that I like to keep it a mess it's just that I don't want to clean it.  I need a maid.  Or perhaps a lover who really gets off on cleaning.  Preferably the latter.  Sometimes, I start to clean but then I get distracted.  I was cleaning before I started writing this.  No, not really but I do get distracted.  I'm going to vacuum.  Haha, isn't it cute how Alice barks at the vacuum cleaner? Haha, look at her.  You know what would be fun? To see what happens if you stick the hose attachment on her head.  Haha, dude! She freaked out.  Ok, here's a treat since that was kind of mean.  Oh! You know what we should do? We should teach Alice a new trick! Nothing too complicated.  Let's learn how to stand on our heads! This is hard.  Let's take a break.  Hey, The Nanny is on.  Let's watch it.  Oh, shit.  I was cleaning.  I'll do it tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow.  I'll do it on my next day off.  It is an endless, vicious cycle.
What is it with resolutions, anyways? As my beloved ex-roommate said, "If you were going to do it you would just do it instead of waiting for New Year's" and I think she's absolutely right! I think I'll make all these resolutions again maybe some time in the summer.