Saturday, June 23, 2012

Grey Matters

I want to take a brief moment to talk about "Fifty Shades of Grey".  I die a little inside every time someone buys one but hey, I'm not one to judge.  At least people still know how to read, and that is an accomplishment in this day and age, truthfully.  It is astounding though the amount of enthusiasm this book has brought to what is essentially porn without pictures (which you can read on the internet for free, fyi).  It's sold more paperback copies than "Harry Potter" and is now the fastest selling paperback book of all time.  What this says to me more than anything else is that there are a lot of horny housewives out there.

I'll be honest, I haven't read it.  Well, not all of it anyways.  I read the first 20 pages or so and then skipped to the "good" part.  You know...just to see what all the fuss was about.  Cough cough.  Anyways, I was really interested in reading it until I found out that the X-rated trilogy started out as a Twilight fan fiction entitled "Master of the Universe" (it's ok.  You can laugh) starring the beloved Edward Cullen and Bella What's-Her-Name.  The author pulled the stories from websites and renamed the characters Christian Grey and Anastasia something-or-another.  It's really too bad she didn't leave them the way they were.  I would probably have read about Edward and Bella if they were into the whole bondage thing.  Honestly, anything would have been better than what Ms. Meyers wrote.  Edward and Bella could have been chimps in a zoo eating bananas and throwing poo at each other for the entire novel and I would have loved it.  Comparatively speaking, of course.

Anyways, Fifty's what cracks me up about it.  Two days ago I had a customer who ranted to me for 10 solid minutes about how her daughter's sixth grade teacher recommended (not required, but recommended) a book entitled "Boy Meets Boy" and how it was about kids being gay (she whispered this word like it was a dirty word which almost made me laugh but I restrained myself) and wasn't that just awful and how she was going to have a talk with this teacher.  The book, while featuring two gay characters, is actually about kids learning to like themselves and be okay with who they are and seeing as how the suicide rate among gay teens is very high, it seems like a relevant issue to throw into a book like that.  But that doesn't matter.  Not to this lady, anyways.  And she went on and on about how horrible it was and could I help her find a copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey"?  Well of course I can, I said hiding a smile.

Also, I wonder how husbands are responding to their wives reading this and then running out to lingerie/sex shops and stocking up on merchandise to spice up their marriages? They probably aren't responding well or at all because they're tied up and gagged in their basements.  This might be a dream come true for some but when, after twenty odd years of marriage, your wife comes home with handcuffs and a cat 'o nine tails that's gotta get you a little worried for your safety and/or livelihood.  Choose a safe word that's easy to say.  That is the only advice I can offer you.

Not everyone is keen on it though.  Libraries are banning it.  Here in my neck of the woods, Kroger doesn't carry it.  Wal-mart certainly doesn't carry it.  And this type of reaction seems silly to me for a few reasons.  The first being that the moment you tell people they can't or shouldn't do something, that's when everyone wants to do it.  I almost think it was the publisher's idea to ban them because as soon as that happened I could almost hear the stampede of mid-life soccer moms and housewives in capri pants and sandals thundering across our parking lot.  We have them on shelves and behind the registers (the books.  Not the moms).  You can't turn around without seeing that damn book.  Anyways, another reason banning this book (or any book, for that matter) is silly is because no one is making you read it.  You have to put effort into exposing yourself to the content of a book.  Ok, with television I sort of get it.  You don't have to concentrate on anything and suddenly, boobies are everywhere.  I get it.  Fine.  Regulate what we watch.  But a book you have to read.  You have to make a conscious effort.  So, here's a thought:  If you don't like the content of "Fifty Shades of Gray" (and hold onto your panty hose, folks because this next idea is pretty freaking insane) don't read it.  Holy crap! I know! It's so radical!

And it gets better.  They're making a movie.  I'm not really sure how they're going to make it unless they're planning a straight to dvd/hotel room pay-per-view release (brought to you by Hustler).  And celebrities are lining up around the block to star in it.  Rumored picks for the female lead include Kristin Stewart (no amount of eye rolling can express my enthusiasm), Amanda Seyfried, and Selena Gomez.  You know Selena Gomez.  The Disney Channel girl.  Some Disney Channel girls grow up to be Britney Spears and others grow up to star in soft core porn.  You decide which is worse.  It's a toss up for me.

Friday, June 1, 2012

My Thoughts On Recent Events (AKA, I'm bored and have nothing better to do)

So, I know it's been a while but get off my back.  I was in the hospital.  Ok, I was only in the hospital for a week but I almost died! What happened?! I hear you asking.  Well, I'll get to that because I consider that a "recent event" since I've only been out of the hospital for 2 weeks.  I am actually mad at myself that I didn't post while I was in the hospital because they had me on morphine and dilauded and that would have been an awesome post to read later on.  But now that I'm feeling better I thought to myself, "I better post something because the five people out there who read this blog are probably getting on with their lives now."  We can't have that.  Also, there's a lot going on and I have something to say about it!

1.  ZOMBIES!!!
Let's be honest, everything in the world takes a back seat to zombies.  The CDC has a zombie attack survival guide on their website.  There is a legitimate magazine dedicated to preparing for a zombie attack and you can order weapons etc. from said magazine.  Sure, it's all fun.  Or it was until May 26 when Rudy Eugene was shot and killed for attacking Ronald Poppo and eating his face.  I'm sure you've all heard about this by now but just in case you haven't, let me reiterate...he ate the guy's face.  Ate it.  Not only that, but the police report states that when the officer arrived on the scene, Eugene looked at him and growled and continued eating! But wait! There's more! When Eugene did not heed the officer's warning to back away from the victim, the officer had to shoot him "several times" before he died.  Now there's a lot of speculation going around about how it was some drug induced craze but I have seen Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Walking Dead, Zombieland, and I have played Resident Evil and Left for Dead and this all seems like zombie bullshit to me.  Ronald Poppo survived the attack and is in the hospital.  I'm just saying...they need to keep an eye on him and put him down when he tries to bite the nurse.  Which he will.

2.  Puppies
Who doesn't love puppies? Everyone loves puppies even people who don't like dogs love puppies.  They're cute and fuzzy and they have little to no motor skills so they're hilarious and my emergency backup dog, Alice had 8 of them about 6 weeks ago.  And they were all of the above things for about 4 weeks.  Now they're just fuzzy, cute little poop machines.  I don't have an outdoor pen so I have fashioned a puppy prison out of coffee tables and a table I use regularly for beer pong so that I can at least control the area the poop is in and get it on paper and make the cleanup easier, right? Hahahahahahaha.  The puppies have this cute habit of playing with the newspapers.  It's so cuuuute.  They tear it up and then poop on the floor! CUTE! I take them outside and they poop on the porch! CUTE! I feed them right before bed time so they'll sleep for 2 hours before waking up and screaming.  I know, I know.  Puppies don't scream.  They whimper and whine.  Well, I have some bizarre cross of puppy/baby/screech owls because these puppies scream to the point that I think maybe one of the coffee tables has fallen over and squished them! Oh no! I run out of my bedroom and the screaming gets louder.  Haha.  I didn't think that was possible! And they're fine, of course.  Last night I slept a full 8 hours and woke up this morning thinking, wow.  The puppies sure are quiet today.  Of course, during the night they had staged the Great Puppy Escape and there were puppies everywhere! And of course, poop everywhere.  I love puppies.  Puppies are so cute.

3.  Near Death Experience
 So, I say it was a near death experience only because I nearly died, but it doesn't feel like I nearly died.  Ok, so here is what happened.  I left work to go the hospital because I had a kidney stone.  I've had kidney stones before so I knew that's what it was and I knew that if I didn't get to the hospital it wouldn't be long before I was curled up on the floor in the fetal position and crying like a baby.  So, I got  to the hospital and I told them what was wrong and of course they wanted what they always want:  a urine sample.  They always want a urine sample but they only want one when you don't have to go.  I told them I couldn't go to the bathroom but that I was in an extreme amount of pain and then I threw up in the little bag they gave me and said the following exact phrase:  "Please either help me or kill me."  They determined that I had a pulled muscle in my back and gave me an anti-inflamatory and a muscle relaxer and sent me home with a nice clean vomit bag since I couldn't seem to stop throwing up.  In fact, over the course of the following 24 hours, I threw up exactly 14 times.  While I was lying in my bed in sweat pants and a sweater, shivering with a bucket close by the thought occurred to me that I might need to go back to the emergency room.  I've never had a pulled muscle but it didn't seem like it should be causing me to throw up my guts every time I took a sip of water.  I got back to the hospital and they gave me a new vomit bag and this time they actually took some blood from me and without explaining anything admitted me into the hospital, stuck an IV in my arm and pumped me full of drugs.  As I was wavering between reality and sweet, sweet release I looked at the wall and saw the pain chart which reminded me of this and I laughed not only because this young woman is talented and funny but because they didn't have her pain chart on the wall and I definitely needed at least number 11 or even "too serious for numbers".  Within the next day I was x-rayed and poked and prodded and all this was fine because I was heavily sedated.  When I came to my senses, an actual real life doctor came to see me and I said "Can I go home now?" and she laughed at me and said "No."  Then she explained to me that I didn't have a kidney stone.  I had five kidney stones.  I also had a kidney infection, a urinary tract infection, blood poisoning and because I had become so dehydrated from puking my brains and my guts out, my kidneys had stopped working altogether.  She concluded this with saying, "If you had not come back to the emergency room, you would have died."  This seems serious but all I could think was, "This seems pretty extreme for a pulled muscle."  It just didn't seem all that serious to me because when people say, "I almost died" they usually mean they got hit by a bus or mauled by a bear or choked on a string bean or got tricked into watching all the Twilight movies in one sitting or got tricked into watching even one Twilight movie.  All of these things give a sense of impending doom.  Not that throwing up is fun or anything but I never thought "I'm dying" or even "I'm going to die".  This just goes to show you, you never know when you're going out and that's why I'm a smoker.  My kidneys are trying to kill me, not my lungs.