Saturday, June 23, 2012

Grey Matters

I want to take a brief moment to talk about "Fifty Shades of Grey".  I die a little inside every time someone buys one but hey, I'm not one to judge.  At least people still know how to read, and that is an accomplishment in this day and age, truthfully.  It is astounding though the amount of enthusiasm this book has brought to what is essentially porn without pictures (which you can read on the internet for free, fyi).  It's sold more paperback copies than "Harry Potter" and is now the fastest selling paperback book of all time.  What this says to me more than anything else is that there are a lot of horny housewives out there.

I'll be honest, I haven't read it.  Well, not all of it anyways.  I read the first 20 pages or so and then skipped to the "good" part.  You know...just to see what all the fuss was about.  Cough cough.  Anyways, I was really interested in reading it until I found out that the X-rated trilogy started out as a Twilight fan fiction entitled "Master of the Universe" (it's ok.  You can laugh) starring the beloved Edward Cullen and Bella What's-Her-Name.  The author pulled the stories from websites and renamed the characters Christian Grey and Anastasia something-or-another.  It's really too bad she didn't leave them the way they were.  I would probably have read about Edward and Bella if they were into the whole bondage thing.  Honestly, anything would have been better than what Ms. Meyers wrote.  Edward and Bella could have been chimps in a zoo eating bananas and throwing poo at each other for the entire novel and I would have loved it.  Comparatively speaking, of course.

Anyways, Fifty's what cracks me up about it.  Two days ago I had a customer who ranted to me for 10 solid minutes about how her daughter's sixth grade teacher recommended (not required, but recommended) a book entitled "Boy Meets Boy" and how it was about kids being gay (she whispered this word like it was a dirty word which almost made me laugh but I restrained myself) and wasn't that just awful and how she was going to have a talk with this teacher.  The book, while featuring two gay characters, is actually about kids learning to like themselves and be okay with who they are and seeing as how the suicide rate among gay teens is very high, it seems like a relevant issue to throw into a book like that.  But that doesn't matter.  Not to this lady, anyways.  And she went on and on about how horrible it was and could I help her find a copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey"?  Well of course I can, I said hiding a smile.

Also, I wonder how husbands are responding to their wives reading this and then running out to lingerie/sex shops and stocking up on merchandise to spice up their marriages? They probably aren't responding well or at all because they're tied up and gagged in their basements.  This might be a dream come true for some but when, after twenty odd years of marriage, your wife comes home with handcuffs and a cat 'o nine tails that's gotta get you a little worried for your safety and/or livelihood.  Choose a safe word that's easy to say.  That is the only advice I can offer you.

Not everyone is keen on it though.  Libraries are banning it.  Here in my neck of the woods, Kroger doesn't carry it.  Wal-mart certainly doesn't carry it.  And this type of reaction seems silly to me for a few reasons.  The first being that the moment you tell people they can't or shouldn't do something, that's when everyone wants to do it.  I almost think it was the publisher's idea to ban them because as soon as that happened I could almost hear the stampede of mid-life soccer moms and housewives in capri pants and sandals thundering across our parking lot.  We have them on shelves and behind the registers (the books.  Not the moms).  You can't turn around without seeing that damn book.  Anyways, another reason banning this book (or any book, for that matter) is silly is because no one is making you read it.  You have to put effort into exposing yourself to the content of a book.  Ok, with television I sort of get it.  You don't have to concentrate on anything and suddenly, boobies are everywhere.  I get it.  Fine.  Regulate what we watch.  But a book you have to read.  You have to make a conscious effort.  So, here's a thought:  If you don't like the content of "Fifty Shades of Gray" (and hold onto your panty hose, folks because this next idea is pretty freaking insane) don't read it.  Holy crap! I know! It's so radical!

And it gets better.  They're making a movie.  I'm not really sure how they're going to make it unless they're planning a straight to dvd/hotel room pay-per-view release (brought to you by Hustler).  And celebrities are lining up around the block to star in it.  Rumored picks for the female lead include Kristin Stewart (no amount of eye rolling can express my enthusiasm), Amanda Seyfried, and Selena Gomez.  You know Selena Gomez.  The Disney Channel girl.  Some Disney Channel girls grow up to be Britney Spears and others grow up to star in soft core porn.  You decide which is worse.  It's a toss up for me.

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