Wednesday, March 30, 2011

On Tanning, Panties, Belching, and Peeing in the Shower

So, it has been pointed out to me (on more than one occasion, believe it or not) that I have certain habits that other people find...unseemly.  I like that word...unseemly.  Anyways, I think people find it difficult to believe that I'm actually a girl.  When I was little, though I had really short hair and I used to pretend to be a boy.  Haha.  That should have been an indicator but my parents were either dumb or in denial.  Not much room for denial now.  Various family members over the years have tried to turn me into a girl (not physically, of course.  I can't be more girl physically than I already am).  It started with my mom who used to force me to wear dresses and those dresses would always end up dirty or torn or the hem would get ripped out but that never stopped her.  Following in her footsteps, my mom's sisters have given me every variation of purse or pocket book imaginable.  I'm thankful for those gifts because I feel that a purse is a nifty accessory to have if you like that sort of thing and I have tried on occasion to actually use one but I get stressed because I just don't carry enough stuff around with me to warrant the use of a purse.  That and I tend to lose things.  Which isn't so bad since I don't have anything to carry in my purse but an ink pen or some gum.

Bathroom Etiquette
I started thinking about this the other night when a friend of mine made a comment about peeing in the shower.  I was shocked to discover that a great many people do not feel that it is appropriate to pee in the shower.  This confuses me for several reasons.  The first reason is this:  it's your shower (hopefully) who cares if you pee in it? Secondly, aren't you going to clean your shower? I hope so.  Third:  It's going down the drain so it's not like you're standing in it or anything.  Fourth:  This saves on toilet paper.  Other people advocate peeing in the shower to save on the water used to flush it down the toilet but I am first and foremost a very lazy person and getting a new roll of toilet paper out of the hall closet and then taking the used up roll off the roller and putting the new roll on the roller is a hassle.  Peeing in the shower prolongs this eventuality, I feel.  The point is, what's the big deal? You're in the shower already anyways.  I'm not saying you should use your shower as an alternative to using the toilet (I've heard of guys who pee in the sink.  This just makes no sense to me at all unless you' the sink already? Absurd).  Unless you're saying, "I have to pee so I'm going to jump in the shower," I see nothing wrong with peeing in the shower.  Evidently, this makes me very non-girly and gross.

Bodily Functions
When I was in college...haha, I mean the first time around...I had this friend and she could belch like a champ.  I mean, they were the best burps I've ever heard in my entire life and I have a brother who is six years older than I am.  She was impressive.  Her belches were so legendary that she started clarifying her gender every time she burped by saying "I'm a girl."  I aspired to be able to belch like her and that began my sordid love affair with Dr. Pepper, but that's a different story.  Let's be honest, nothing makes you burp like Dr. Pepper.  I think it may have been invented for that purpose alone and then later on it was discovered that Dr. Pepper was delicious, which was an added bonus to its burp inducing abilities.  I've been informed here fairly recently by a friend of mine that it is completely unacceptable to burp like this.  Or to burp ever in front of other people.  This makes me sad because even though it's been well over 15 years, I still haven't achieved my goal of burping like my friend Shannon.  My friend and I were having dinner at my house, let me emphasize that we were at my house.  Just us.  No one else.  And I burped and though it wasn't nearly the quality of Shannon's burps, it was still pretty good.  My friend was completely taken aback.  "You can't do that!" she exclaimed.  "Why?" was my eloquent rebuttal.  "You just don't burp like that!" she said.  "What am I supposed to do? Just hold it in?" I asked.  "Yes," she replied.  Holding in burps seems unnatural to me.  Belching is the body's way of saying "Hey, I see you have more food there.  Here, let me make more room for it."  The body knows it needs food and the eyes communicate to the rest of the body that, hey, there's a lot more food here and you better do something down there to make space.  It's science.  Or anatomy.  Something like that.

Sexy Undergarments
There is nothing more girly than having fancy panties.  It's true.  None of my panties are fancy but they are colorful and I think they're cute and hell, no one is looking at them here lately anyways, so it doesn't really matter but anyways...I want to say on this subject that women have been told a lie by someone, probably Victoria, about panties (specifically thongs) and they believe it and they pass it on to other, unsuspecting women.  Most girls own a thong, or most girls that I know with whom I've had this conversation.  More often to not they say the following:  "Oh mah gawd! I love my thong! It is soooo comfortable!" This, friends, is a vicious, vicious lie.  Women believe this lie so deeply that they have fooled themselves into believing that thongs actually are comfortable and they spread this lie to other women who go out and buy one.  Or several.  Not many people know this, but this is actually one of Victoria's secrets that no one is supposed to know.  I was educated by a friend of mine that the importance of having "sexy" underwear is so that you feel more confident  But I ask you, when you have a perpetual wedgie do you feel sexy? No.  You want to dig it out only, with a thong you can't.  It's in there, buddy.  It ain't comin' out.  Sometimes, though you want to try anyways and I can assure you, seeing a woman trying to dig out a wedgie (especially a wedgie that isn't going to come out no matter what) is the farthest thing from sexy.  People who may accidentally read this blog may say, "That's not true.  Thongs really are comfortable!" Don't believe this propaganda!

Sunbathing Techniques
When it comes to sunbathing, I am all for it.  I hate being pale.  That's because I'm not that lovely shade of ivory that only movie stars like Nicole Kidman can achieve.  During the winter, my skin looks kind of like toothpaste (not the gel kind) or maybe cream of wheat.  So, I can sunbathe with the best of them.  I like it.  Especially if there is a pool involved.  However, I've noticed that people like know, people who actually sunbathe in the sun are seen as more or less philistine and uncouth.  Laying in the sun is sooo two (or three or four?) decades ago.  Now everyone uses tanning beds.  The purpose of tanning beds is completely lost on me.  First of all, seeing tan people in December totally throws my inner clock off.  And it looks ridiculous because when tanning beds first came into being it was so that people could lay in them and other people would think they had actually been laying in the sun.  It was like tan cheating.  When you're tan in December, everyone knows why.  It completely defeats the purpose.  Also, haven't you seen Final Destination 26 where that girl gets fried in the tanning bed? If I used tanning beds, that would have ruined it for me.  That and I'm a little claustrophobic.  I have used a tanning bed once but never again because it's a little complicated for me and those little sunglasses look silly.

Friday, March 18, 2011

How to Talk to Women 101 - A Lesson in Compliments and General Observations

I've been a woman for a long time now, well...all of my life, actually and so I feel pretty confident when I say that there are some things you never say to a woman.  This goes beyond the age old "You never ask a woman her age".  It is much deeper than that.  Seriously, though.  There is only one time when it is ok to ask a woman her age and I'll get to that after I waste a little more time in the opening paragraph.  Well! I have nothing else to say so, let's dive right in, shall we?

1.  "When are you due?"
You never ever ever ever ask a woman this even if you are 99.9% sure she is pregnant because there is always that .1% chance that she's not.  And even if you are 100% certain, you still don't just in case God hates you.  Ok, fine.  You can ask this but it is only advisable during key points in the pregnancy:

Worst:  Any period between conception and birth especially if you don't know the person.  Otherwise you have the awkward possibility of having the following (true. as in this happened to a friend of mine recently) conversation:
     Waitress:  Awww! When are you due?
      My Friend:  ...I'm not due.
     Waitress:  Oh, shit.  Wait here while I go to the back and drink some bleach (NOTE:  the waitress didn't      actually say this but I bet she wanted to)

Bad:  At the baby shower.  True, it's a baby shower so you know someone somewhere is pregnant but are you really sure who it is? What if you pick the wrong lady?

Ok:  When her water breaks you can ask the following question and be relatively safe:  "Are you due now?"

Good:  In the delivery room, moments before the little bundle of joy arrives.  "Oh! I guess you're having a baby!"

Best:  Two to three years after birth is the safest time to bring it up and it should be handled in the following manner:  "This is your kid?! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

2.  Always ask a woman for her I.D.
This is the exception (sort of) to the rule of not asking a woman her age.  You never ask a woman her age unless she needs to be a certain age to get in somewhere or do something.  A woman buying alcohol in a bar should always be asked for proof that she isn't as "young" as she looks.  Even if she is using a walker.  I used to find it frustrating that I would get carded for cigarettes because I am obviously over 18.  But when the bouncer at a club a couple of years ago asked for my friend's i.d. and not mine, I wanted to sit in the corner and cry.  I remember that guy.  He's on my list.

3.  Never assume that the woman is the mother of the other people that are with her
This also ties into the age thing and is one of my most horrifying experiences.  At Taco Bell, of all places.  I was meeting a friend of mine to eat and although she is younger than I am, she's not that much younger but the manager asked me if she was my daughter.  I wanted to spit on him.  Or something disgusting of that nature and then do something that all the kids are doing nowadays like...listen to my ipod and look gloomy and unpleasant.  And I wanted to get a lot of facial piercings and color my hair four different colors.
4.  Never comment on a woman's diet or the fact that she isn't adhering to said diet
Women in general like to diet except for me because I actually like food and dislike torture so I eat food that tastes good and I eat it in large quantities.  With that said, I am still "technically" on a diet because that is how we women tend to justify our eating habits.  "I know that this fried chicken smothered in gravy, cheese, bacon, and chocolate syrup isn't actually on my diet, but I've been good this week."  In this situation you would never say any of the following phrases:

"I thought you were on a diet."

"I guess you're off your diet, huh?"

"Wow.  You must be hungry."

"The weather sure was nice today."

Basically, just don't say anything.  The hungry woman spooks very easily.

5.  If a woman looks nice, never point out that she looks "different"
Women are touchy about their looks, even those who don't really make an effort to look me.  Though, on occasion a woman might be in the mood to do her hair or wear make-up or wear something nice for no reason at all.  It is perfectly acceptable to compliment her on her looks but it must be done in a certain way.  The following is acceptable:

"You look nice."

You should stop there.  Never ever add the word "today" to the end of that sentence.  This implies that on other days, she looks like medusa.  Even if you don't mean that, trust me.  That's how she'll take it.  In fact, never add the word "today" after any compliment.  Other phrases to avoid:

"That outfit makes you look so slim!" - What this translates to in the female brain is this:  "Under that outfit you're a big fat cow!"

"Your hair looks soooo much better!"

Now, these are just suggestions and you don't have to follow them but if you do, one day you might look back and thank me for saving your life.