I'm sick and I can't sleep when I'm sick so here I am. I don't understand how people can sleep for 23 hours a day when they're sick. It makes no sense to me. I've played video games and watched movies. I did sleep for about an hour. I had a dream about lemonade and I woke up wanting lemonade but did not have the stomach to actually get up and go get any so now I'm sick, tired and lemonade-less. I also missed work and I hate that. Mostly because I am poor and I need money but there is another reason. People, more specifically stupid people, make me laugh. Well, when they're not making me want to bash my head against a wall or some other sturdy surface. Though, at my job at The-Book-Store-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named I get a different breed of stupid than I did when I worked at The-Video-Rental-Store-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named-In-As-Much-As-My-Severance-Contract-Forbids-Me-From-Speaking-Badly-About-Them because the stupid that comes into the former can read and the stupid that comes into the latter, well the jury is still out on that. I'm not convinced. Anyways, here are some of the breeds currently up for adoption:
The Clueless: I like to have some sort of idea what I'm going to ask someone who works in a store before I ask them because, well...I don't particularly enjoy looking or feeling stupid. I'm not saying it never happens. I look stupid often, especially when dealing with anything to do with math, but I make an effort to not look stupid. But at least twice a day I get The Clueless. You can recognize them because they are generally unhelpful and as a customer service type person, I want to help. Seriously. I do. I swear.
Me: Hi, how can I help you?
Clueless: I'm looking for a book
*long pause. And I mean a really long pause. And it isn't an "I'm thinking" pause, either because they're staring at me like I'm supposed to, at this point spring into action*
Me: Ok. We have some... (I've actually said this. But only once. Usually I just stare back at them)
Clueless: Well, I don't know the name of it.
Me: That's ok. Do you know the author's name?
Me: Ok...uh...do you know what it's about?
Clueless: Yeah. My friend told me about it, but I forgot. (this actually means "no", but whatever)
*at this point I'm starting to flounder because I'm not exactly sure what form of ESP this person thinks I possess and maybe I should direct them to the "New Age" section to read up on that or maybe "Sci-fi". So, in desperation, I ask any kind of question that might give me a clue as to what it is that they want*
Me: Do you know what the cover looks like?
Me: Have they made it into a movie?
Clueless: I don't think so.
Me: Is it bigger than a bread box?
*I've pretty much given up and conclude that this person is, in fact suffering from the stupid so I direct them to a book I'm pretty sure will be on their level of comprehension*
Me: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you more but have you read "Twilight"?
Clueless: Oooo, I loved that book.
Me: I'm sure you did.
Speaking of Twilight, I'm sure many people who read this are going to send me death threats because Stephanie Meyers is, in their opinion the best writer who ever lived and they are not afraid to show it, or tell you about it, or you know...hang around in your store every day for hours talking about how great it is and how they watched the movie twenty-seven times (I'm not making this up) or what a great couple Edward and Bella are and that Kristen Stewart and Cedric Diggory (I don't know the dude's name) are a real couple and they love each other and isn't it romantic that they met on the set of Twilight and wouldn't Kristen Stewart make a terrific vampire? Now, I made a vow that I wasn't going to get too serious on this blog but I have to, as a thinking person and someone who enjoys reading books that don't suck, be serious for just a moment in response to these horrific lies, which are all true in the sense that there is a customer who does all of the above things.
1. Stephanie Meyers is not a good writer. Ok, she might be but if she is she hasn't written anything good yet. But she's still young.
2. There isn't a movie in existence that I have seen 27 times. I haven't even watched Star Wars 27 times (yet) and it's been around for over 30 years. There is nothing that good.
3. There is nothing romantic about the set of Twilight. There is nothing romantic about Twilight, period. A guy who sneaks into your bedroom and watches you all night while you sleep is not romantic. It is creepy. And if you don't believe me, watch Paranormal Activity. The scene where she wakes up and stands at the side of the bed watching her boyfriend sleep while the camera ticks away 3 hours...I did not come away from that scene saying "Aww, that was so romantic". I came away saying "There is something very wrong with that bitch". Creepy.
4. No, I don't think Kristen Stewart would make a great vampire because, you guys aren't going to believe this, you ready? Vampires aren't real.
The Inquisitor is very frustrating but when I get home and think about him or her, it makes me laugh. The Inquisitor is recognizable as the customer who comes in a lot but never actually buys anything. Regardless, you have to look up everything for him (or her).
Inquisitor: Hi, I was wondering if you had Oprah Winfrey's new book "How to Tell if You're an Idiot -- An Autobiography" [DISCLAIMER: OPRAH DOES NOT HAVE A BOOK TITLED THIS. THIS WAS THE BLOG AUTHOR'S FAILED ATTEMPT AT HUMOR AND SHE SINCERELY HOPES OPRAH DOES NOT COME TO TAKE HER SOUL]
Me: God, I hope so...
Me: Oh, nothing. Let me look that up for you. Actually we do have it. Let me show you where it is.
Inquisitor: Oh, that's ok. I was just wondering if you had it.
Now, I am all for useless facts and information. I have a wealth of useless knowledge stored away in my brain and I use it to watch Jeopardy. This is not the same thing. What are you going to do with that information? Sell it to the highest bidder? I don't understand at all! I mean, has anyone gone into Wal-mart lately and asked a customer service person (assuming you can find one in Wal-mart) "Excuse me, do you sell toilet paper?" And the customer service person says, "Sure. Let me show you where it is" (this also never happens in Wal-mart but let's pretend for the purpose of the example). And you say, "Oh, that's ok. I was just wondering if you had any."? Anyone? I didn't think so.
Now, the Gigglers are by far my favorite to deal with because not only do they act stupid, you can make them realize their stupidity without actually being rude. The Gigglers are usually found in the "Relationship" section which is really just a bunch of books about sex and/or sex positions. We have a book called 365 Sex Positions. I'm sure some of you are racing to your local bookstore right now and won't even finish reading this. The Gigglers love this section. And you know when they're there because they...giggle. Usually they're teenagers but every now and then you get some adults and sometimes you get the lone guy and he's not funny. Just...weird. Anyways, I love the Gigglers because, as I said it is easy to make them feel stupid and they should feel stupid so I think it is some form of bookstore justice. When I hear the Gigglers I suddenly get this desire, this overwhelming urge to straighten the books in the relationship section. So, I start at one end and start straightening. They don't see me at first because they're too busy giggling. When they do finally realize that I'm there, well that's the best part. The giggling stops like these folks have some sort of mute feature. They stuff whatever books they were looking at haphazardly on the shelf and scuttle off, clearly more embarrassed than they have ever been in their lives. I don't even care. I put the books back, feeling satisfied and then I go wash my hands.