Thursday, January 13, 2011

How I'm Doing on My New Year's Resolutions

Crappy.  The end.  No, I'm kidding.  Haha.  Well, I'm kidding about that being the end.  I'm not so much kidding about the "crappy" part.  This is how far I actually got on my resolutions:  "Hmm, I think I'll set some resolutions this year".  What? That's it.  That's really as far as I got.  I have my reasons which, guess what! I'm going to share with you.

Resolution #1:  I am going to quit smoking! 
So, I have a really great reason for making this resolution and it really has little to do (actually, it has absolutely nothing to do) with my health.  Smoking is really expensive and I'm a student and I have a part-time job and I really just can't afford to be a smoker.  I start thinking about this and then I get stressed because I have no money because the power company is peopled entirely by douchebags and the cable company is worse and the job prospects for my major are not looking great and the stress just PILES UP AND PILES UP AND I NEED A CIGARETTE FOR MY NERVES! is difficult for me to write and not smoke.  There, I said it.  The love of my life, writing, is an enabler.  However, I tell myself that I am contributing to the declining economy in my own unique, special, tiny way.  That and everyone knows you can't lose weight if you are trying to quit smoking, which brings us to the next failure...I mean, erm...the next resolution:

Resolution #2:  I am going to lose weight!
Last semester I was required to take Health & Fitness which really should have been called:  You Are Fat and Lazy and You Are Probably Going to Die (Especially if You are Fat and a Smoker)...101.  In retrospect, I am happy that I had to take this class because otherwise I never would have known that I'm overweight.  I mean, looking in the mirror was clearly not enough of a clue so thank God for Health & Fitness.  Despite the fact that the class made me want to cut myself for being a fat, lazy American it really taught me some things.  Like, if your shirt is baggy enough, the professor can't really tell that you're not actually doing the body prop and you're just laying there on the mat.  I also got to see a pound of fat, conveniently stored in a plastic sandwich baggie and I thought about all the sandwich baggies I would need for all my fat and that thought entertained me for an entire class session.  I have to say that my favorite part was the little machine that prints out your BMI.  BMI, for those of you who are uneducated in You Are Fat-ness, stands for Body Mass Index.  What this is...I have no idea, really.  I just know that they hook you up to this little machine and it prints out a piece of paper that tells you what percentage of fat you have and then it says if you are underweight or overweight or just right.  I was honestly expecting my piece of paper to say, "How are you still alive?" but it didn't.  All it said was that I was overweight.  Again, thank God otherwise I never would have known.  The wonders of a college education, I tell you.  I am not losing weight because, and I'm not going to lie, I've been eating.  I know someone out there might inadvertently read this and they will psychoanalyze it and say "You overeat because you are sad/stressed/angry/depressed/depraved/lonely/creative/happy/childish/sarcastic/witty/romantic/clever/devious" but it just isn't true.  I overeat because the food that I choose to eat tastes spectacular.  It tastes so good that I want to eat more of it! I want to eat it forever.  That's how good it is.  The answer to this problem is to just make other food taste better.  If celery tasted like fried chicken I would never stop eating it.  Ever.  Surely if the smart people who make the food can pump a chicken so full of hormones that it can't even walk (true story), then I feel they should make celery that tastes like fried chicken and broccoli that tastes like chocolate pie.

Resolution #3:  I am going to keep my house clean!
Ok, just typing this made me laugh simply because I am sitting in my house right now.  Just from where I am sitting I can see one empty wine bottle (maybe I should have made a "cut down on the drinking" resolution.  Meh, next year), one empty Dr. Pepper bottle, one empty diet Dr. Pepper can, three dirty glasses, one love seat covered in clean laundry, pieces of one empty pizza box lovingly pulled out of the trash by my main dog, Zoe, and decimated, some loose change (on the floor), an empty box of Fruity Pebbles, four empty cigarette packs...this is just the living room.  The kitchen, well I won't even go into that.  It's a mess.  It's not that I like to keep it a mess it's just that I don't want to clean it.  I need a maid.  Or perhaps a lover who really gets off on cleaning.  Preferably the latter.  Sometimes, I start to clean but then I get distracted.  I was cleaning before I started writing this.  No, not really but I do get distracted.  I'm going to vacuum.  Haha, isn't it cute how Alice barks at the vacuum cleaner? Haha, look at her.  You know what would be fun? To see what happens if you stick the hose attachment on her head.  Haha, dude! She freaked out.  Ok, here's a treat since that was kind of mean.  Oh! You know what we should do? We should teach Alice a new trick! Nothing too complicated.  Let's learn how to stand on our heads! This is hard.  Let's take a break.  Hey, The Nanny is on.  Let's watch it.  Oh, shit.  I was cleaning.  I'll do it tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow.  I'll do it on my next day off.  It is an endless, vicious cycle.
What is it with resolutions, anyways? As my beloved ex-roommate said, "If you were going to do it you would just do it instead of waiting for New Year's" and I think she's absolutely right! I think I'll make all these resolutions again maybe some time in the summer. 

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