Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Things I Learned About Places That Are In Other Places Besides Here

So, I just got home from my trip to Washington D.C. (the coldest place on EARTH right now.  Seriously) and I saw some new things that you just don't see down south and they are stuck in my brain.  I am sure there are answers to these things but please don't ruin my good time by being an arrogant douche by being all like, "Pff, well that's because..." and treating me like an idiot.  Not cool.  Anyways, here we go.

1.  Speed Limit Enforced By Air Craft
     So, while traveling to D.C. I noticed these road signs that said Speed Limit Enforced by Air Craft and I gotta know...how does that work, exactly? Are Virginia drivers really so badass that air support is needed to keep their reign of terror in check? I almost wanted to see what that looked like but my friend who was driving didn't think that hurtling along the interstate at break neck speed in the snow was such a grand idea (and neither did I, truth be told as there are now permanent finger nail marks in her armrest).  Do they use helicopters or jets? The former seems more practical but the latter is definitely more awesome and if I were in control of the state budget we would be tracking down those nasty speeders in jets, bitches.  We'll assume, for logic's sake though that they use helicopters.  I mean, as much as we can.  Using a helicopter to catch a speeding violation seems a little extreme, but whatever.  Do they land right on the interstate? This would also be cool.  It's gotta take some time to land that thing, you could just keep going and then what? Seems silly.  Unless they are equipped with some missiles.

Pilot:  Attention you in the Honda Accord.  You are exceeding the speed limit.  Pull over immediately.
Driver:  Wtf...seriously? (come on, that is exactly what I would say).
Pilot:  Bob, fire a warning shot across their hood.
Other Guy:  Roger.
Driver:  Holy shit! Seriously?!

2.  Hungry Mother State Park
     There is a park in Virginia (or maybe it's Tennessee) called Hungry Mother State Park and I'm thinking, who thought up the name for that? That's my first thought.  My second thought is, why? There must be a reason and when I think of the possible implications of this name it causes me a small amount of distress.  Are we talking about a Donner party level of hunger here? Is it possible that it's just referring to bears? If so, that seems like a good reason to stay away from said park.  Mother bears are dangerous.  Hungry mother bears more so, I would imagine.  As distressing as this is, wouldn't it be kind of a disappointment to learn that it's only talking about hungry pigeons? Or hungry anteaters? I kind of like the thought (in a weird, "Fargo" kind of way) of a park somewhere in Virginia (or Tennessee, who knows) where there is a pack of wild Mothers who are very hungry.  Bears or humans.  Or both. 

3.  Mutant D.C. Squirrels
     This was my first trip to D.C. ever and so I felt a little self-conscious with my friend and her family who actually live there.  I was taking pictures of everything.  I felt even more stupid when I started taking pictures of squirrels.  Granted, these were mutant squirrels, but still.  Who takes a picture of a squirrel? I do.  You should have seen these things.  They were the size of small dogs.  They might have been small dogs.  Small dogs that climb trees.  They eat right out of your hand! This makes most people go "Aww! That's awesome!" but because when I was 11 my friend had a pet squirrel that attacked me (it jumped out of its cage onto my face.  Scarred me for life) I was not thrilled with the audacity of these abnormal woodland animals.  It was Fallout 3 come to life!  One of them started following me.  I didn't even have any food but it didn't care.  It stalked me.  I was scared of it, seriously.  Not only because I have a bad history with squirrels but because this squirrel was huge.  I can't stress that enough.  It could have easily bitten off one of my limbs and tied it to a tree as a warning to other tourists who come into its territory without the proper offerings. 

4.  The Dude on Top of the White House
     Ok, so before I talk about this guy I have to talk about how ridiculously cold it is in D.C.  I mean, it is not the same kind of cold as it is here in Georgia.  Here it is cold.  There it is damn cold and the wind is basically a huge asshole that mocks you.  By the end of the day, I was experiencing a level of numbness like I had never felt before.  I could not feel any part of my face.  With that said, I noticed (or rather, it was pointed out to me) that there was a dude on top of the White House.  No doubt his job was to shoot people.  How would you like to put that on your resume?

Prior Work Experience:  Fry cook at Hooters; Sniper on top of the White House.

What I was really wondering was how much he gets paid to just stand up there. Because let's face it, you probably don't get to see much action up there.  You don't really hear much of that on the news.  You're probably not allowed to take potshots at the mutant squirrels, either.  Even though most of those squirrels were around the reflection pool, it would still be fun to try.  He has to have a pretty powerful rifle, I figure.  And it's cold.  Not just cold, but damn cold.  And the wind has to be an even bigger asshole if you're on a roof.  I wanted to wave at him but I didn't just in case his boredom got the best of him.

5.  Snow!
      I'm not a complete rube, I know what snow is.  I've seen snow before.  But not this kind of snow.  In Georgia we don't get snow often but when we do everything shuts down.  It could be less than an inch and the whole state just stops operating.  That's because what we call snow is actually just ice.  Driving on ice is bad.  This is why I was terrified in the car during our trip because it was snowing and in my southern mind snow = ice.  To my surprise I learned that snow is not, in fact the equivalent of ice but is actually...well...snow.  Whatever.  It's not the same! You make a snowball there and you throw it and it hits your friend and it busts apart and you run around and generally act like Rain Man and it's awesome.  You make a "snowball" in Georgia, someone is going to the emergency room eventually with a concussion and maybe some slight internal bleeding.  It took a few awkward moments of walking on this new snow like I was trying to perform some sort of complex dance maneuver before I realized that hey, this isn't ice.  It's...snow! Still, I didn't want to be too excited due to my fear of looking like an imbecile.  On the inside, though I felt like I was five years old.

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