In case you have been living under a freakin' rock, the world is going to shit. It was a slow trip at first but the speed seems to be increasing lately. A lot of people sit and analyze why this is happening but after a recent trip to Kennesaw I had a sudden epiphany. I know now exactly what the problem is. It isn't the economy. It isn't Republicans or Democrats. Hell, it isn't even Libertarians if you can believe it. No. The rot and decay of society as we know it is being caused by...get ready...stupid people. Now I know there have been stupid people since the dawn of time but in the past we simply left stupid people to their fate and evolution weeded them out in the form of freakish accidents often involving really big trucks and sometimes riding lawnmowers. But now we have begun to cater to stupid people. Much like we child-proof our homes with those little plastic things that go in the wall that neither kids nor adults can get out when you need to use an outlet, the people in charge are idiot-proofing the world so that stupid people everywhere can be safe. Let's look at some things that are hindering the process of natural selection:
1. Seat Belts
Ok, before you get too up in arms about this let me just say I always wear my seat belt. Here in Georgia, and in most states it is a law. You have to wear one no matter where you are in the car. Even if you are not driving, you have to wear a seat belt. If you are caught not wearing a seat belt, you get to pay a handsome fine and it really sucks. Now, children being required to wear seat belts I can understand. Children often lack the capacity to understand that something might chop them into little pieces if they aren't careful so children must be regulated and I think people who have children should be penalized honestly but that's a different thing. People who advocate getting rid of the seat belt law will show you statistics of how maybe a handful of times a person would have lived if they had not been wearing a seat belt but my thought is simply this: If you are are dumb enough to get into a car and not wear your seat belt...that's just evolution, buddy. I got into a discussion about this with my political science professor who said to me, in a very snarky tone I might add, "I bet you feel like people shouldn't be required to wear motorcycle helmets, either do you." Well, I'll tell you...
2. Motorcycle Helmets
Helmets as well as seat belts kind of fall into the "well, if you're not hurting anyone else we sure as hell don't care what happens to you" category. Unless you become a flying projectile, you're not going to hurt too many other people if you're not wearing a seat belt. The same applies to motorcycle helmets. Who are you affecting by not wearing one besides yourself? No one. People might experience some emotional trauma from seeing your brains splattered all over the highway but you didn't want to wear a helmet and I say, "more power to you, bro." And again, if you lack the common sense that God gave gravel and you don't want to wear a helmet...natural selection.
3. Fire-safe Cigarettes
If you are a smoker, you know what I'm talking about. You light your cigarette. You are carrying on a conversation or maybe typing up a blog bitching about fire-safe cigarettes and your cigarette lies unattended in your ashtray or maybe even hanging from your mouth. You go to take a drag but no. It's gone out. That's because it is "fire-safe". Basically how it works is, the companies (meaning most of them now) add these bands to the paper and effectively cause "speed bumps" to slow the burning process to...well...nothing. Leave your cigarette unattended, it will go out on it's own once it gets to one of these sections. The idea behind this is to prevent accidental fires. Accidental fires involving cigarettes are mostly caused by people falling asleep in their beds with lit cigarettes. Now...I have been a smoker for...hang on, let me do math...22 years. I have never ever smoked a cigarette while lying in bed. Why? Because I'm not an idiot. I apologize to those readers who actively smoke in your bed. I did not mean to offend you but...you're stupid. What can I say? All the evidence is there. While I do often leave cigarettes unattended at my desk (well, used to. I moved into a house that doesn't allow smoking inside so, whatever), I do not often fall asleep at my desk whereas I sleep almost every night in my bed. Here's the best part. There are people who are against calling these "fire-safe" cigarettes because it may lead people to believe that these cigarettes are less likely to cause fires than "normal" cigarettes. See. This is what I'm talking about right here. I can hear it in my head, like a piece of sand rubbing around in there, some anonymous idiot's voice explaining this concept to his buddy: "See, this here is a "fire-safe" cigarette. It don't burn things like normal cigarettes do." To this as of right now mystery smoker, I say "Have a pack on me. Sleep tight."
4. On-ramp Traffic Lights
I was in Kennesaw last week with a friend of mine and I hadn't been to Kennesaw, or rather I hadn't been paying attention the last few times a drove past Kennesaw, in a while. As we are driving down the interstate, I had to do a double take while passing an exit. I said, "Was that...a stoplight on the on-ramp?" My friend explains to me that yes, they added the stoplights to the on-ramps because of traffic and people don't know how to merge and it just makes a mess. So, this is when it dawns on me that this is the problem with the world today. We are catering to stupid people. People don't know how to merge...so, let's put stoplights on the on-ramps. For anyone reading this who doesn't know how to merge, let me explain. The "on-ramp", is part of the road that goes onto a bigger road we call the "interstate". Since traffic on the interstate is going "zoom zoom!" you have to be going "zoom zoom!" before you get there, too or you will end up with a lot of booboos and some people giving you the finger. So, when you get onto the on-ramp you have to go faster and faster and faster and faster! and then you just kind of squeeeeeeze into traffic. In Atlanta, it's kind of like a game. If you can get the corner of your bumper between two cars, you're good. It helps, also to talk out loud like the driver of the other car can hear you, "Oh, you're going to let me in." Like I always say, "Don't worry, they'll let you in. It's not like they want to hit you." It's true. But now we have stoplights on the on-ramps because obviously the solution to this problem isn't to send all these morons back to the DMV to learn to drive, but to inconvenience the rest of us by making sure the roads are safe for idiots. "But I just get nervous. Merging makes me nervous because the cars go too fast and I get scared." Take a bus. Marta. Get your pilot's license and take a plane. Something. But for the love of God, get off the road.
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